Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Buford's Book and Speaking Tour is heading to Southern California!

So, this Red Hat Group speaking tour has taken on a life of its own. As you know I just finished up the 13th edition of my national bestseller for the Red Hat Groups. I've been speaking to Red Hat groups all over the nation and I just got word that Ol' Buford is heading to Sunny Cal-if-forn-I-A. That is right the Real Red Hats of Orange County are flying me in for a luncheon and then a tour of a few winerys of the region. I'll have to do a little reading up and maybe develop a new topic or two.

Most of the times my talks to the midwest Red Hat groups consist of such topics as

"Taking the best care as possible of your blender".
"Don't Mix and Match your Meds"
"How to find an honest car mechanic"
"Should you replace your tires after 11 years and/or 3000 miles"
"Denny's or Village Inn an Ounce per Ounce breakdown of costs per ounce."
"How 11 laps in the mall can burn off two afternoon wine spritzers"

We cover a lot of topics and my seminars usually last a good luncheon hour and followed by those Red Hats that want to continue the discussion in greater depth at a local water hole. Often times Ol' Buford will make the acquaintance of a Red Hat widow that invites me over for a late dinner before I have to make my way back to Bufordville.

I've done 17 luncheon talks over the last several months and word must have gotten all the way to California Wine Country. I'll be boarding a private jet sent by a Red Hat widow who apparently made her millions in the Toilet Puck industry. (It all pays the same to Buford). I may have to up my usual fee of $15.00 but we're negotiating that right now.

You can find my book on Amazon or wherever you buy your Red Hat books. I'll keep you updated as we firm up the dates. Perhaps I will be able to hit a couple of groups while I'm visiting my old stomping grounds of South Cal.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Buford Pickleberry available again for your celebrity endorsement needs.

Well friends, Due to a perfect storm of events colliding all at one time over Bufordville, yours truly is being forced to re-enter the employment market. I've had hundreds and lost hundreds and now, due to a very mis-timed entry into the pygmy goat-milk futures market, well, Ol Buford is now living about 3 blocks off of easy street.

I called up my agent and said "Lester, this is Buford M. Pickleberry, I need you to get the word out that Buford Pickleberry is once again available for Public Appearances and Celebrity Endorsements" Of course the Pickleberry name is one I need to protect so obviously I am unable to add my hand to just any product but I am certainly open and willing to looking at whatever products and opportunities come my way.

There have been several very interesting opportunities coming my way. As you can imagine, companies have long been aligning themselves with the Pickleberry mystique and my ability to get my followers to open up their wallets and part with the greenbacks.

Many years ago, my friend Paul Harvey and I were visiting. Paul had a wonderful relationship with the fine folks at Buick for years and I was having a bit of trouble with my then endorsement of the Massey Ferguson rotary garden tiller. They didn't feel that a then 72 year old man with bad knees battling a 238 pound garden tiller around piles of dirt was an enhancement to their image so we parted ways. Paul said "Buford, you need to find yourself an Automobile to promote" I found that industry to be a litle stand-offish but I was able to land an afternoon gig at Ernies Buy Here, Pay Here Auto Center. That was quite lucrative paying $39.00 and a half-eaten box of Krispy-Kremes.

I also reminded my agent Lester that at one point Johnny Carson and I were vying for the same clothing gig. While eventually many fine stores did carry the Johnny Carson Collection of fine suits, the Dollar General stores had made tens of hundreds of dollars off of the Buford Pickleberry Collection of Dickies and my innovative but underappreciated 7 button vests.

That brings me to today. Lester has the fax machine running (reminds me Wendell if you're reading this, I've told you for the last time, get that old ink cartridge out of the sink) Today, I've got a few interesting offers of endorsements to go through. As I eat my bread-bowl full of bacon wrapped cocktail weiners and hollandaise sauce I will go through each of these.

The first is a very intersting proposition from the fine folks at Popeye's Chicken. It seems they are interested in cashing in on the Pickleberry Cache. The offer appears to include me donning a chicken type of outfit standing on a busy intersection and holding a sign promoting this fine establishment. Appears we are negotiating at this time in the 7 dollars per hour range and Lester has countered with a free lunch and a serving of beans to take home at the end of the endorsement period. - Interesting

The second one appears that the good folks at my old friends Sam Walton's store have come a calling. Sam at one point told me, Buford, I just don't think I can sell any more boxes of cereal and soap, I'm thinking about closing down the store and joining up the Basillicians and riding with you. I said "Sam, you've only got the one store you're running. Why don't you build a couple of more and get the kids involved. Let them run the damn thing and you can drive around in your old truck all day. Well, I guess Sam took my advice and things have been pretty good for him since then. He's always taken care of ol' Buford by offering me a special $4 for my drug prescriptions. Good friend and I miss him. Today, the fine folks have offered Buford a key position as the official "Face of the Store". Appears they would like to have Buford as the first face customers see when they enter. Interesting. I would be offering advice on product and aisle location strategy to the fine customers as well as advising them on hot pretzel specials. Thanks Sam old boy! I'll put that one on the top of the consideration pile.

The third and most interesting offer today came in rolling in around 11:00 and as I had fully expected, Hollywood has come calling to Buford Pickleberry. It appears that the movie business is also going through some tough times and they too have turned to the Pickleberry moniker to see about boosting lagging sales. The fine folks at Happy's Video Arcade on sixth and MLK drive have presented an offer of "Video Specialist Team Member" It appears that I'll be working hand in hand with the large studios and promoting their fine blockbusters to potential patrons. MGM, Disney and many others have aligned to put together an interesting offer to Buford. We're stuck at the negotiating table right now. They are at $7.25 for every hour of my time. I'm in need of a bit more plus the right to the leftover popcorn at the end of the day. We'll see where that one goes.

So, I've got several very high profile celebrity endorsement opportunities to be looking over. I've got to get Lester a list of those that I'm most interested in. It seems as if a lot of these companies are needing to have the Pickleberry name applied as soon as possible. It appears that the Hollywood Happy's Video Arcade could in fact begin this afternoon due to the fact that Steven Smith attends the University of Northern Illinois and his own endorsement deal coincided with his spring break ending. This has left Happy's with a celebrity void. I may have to consider that one soon.

I'm still looking at several others offers on the table. Major League Baseball has come calling! It seems the Wichita Warthogs AAA farm team needs a face added to increase the popcorn sales at home games. Ernies Buy Here, Pay Here has thrown an interesting Saturday Afternoon offer on the table as well. Lots of things to consider. One note, Lester if you are reading this, I will not, again, WILL NOT endorse the Watson's Lingerie Man Bra. I may need to do a couple of pushups thats a given but I do draw the line at nudity. Tasteful, such as speedo swimsuit I may consider.

That's all I got for now, leave me alone I've got to finish up these bacon wrapped cocktail wieners and re-heat these BBQ meat balls from last night. I left them out in Wendells car overnight but they should be OK - Buford.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Maury says "Buford Pickleberry you ARE NOT the father of the Octuplets"!

Well it's been a pretty good week for ol' Buford. Today's mail brought a HUGE sigh of relief. When I started hearing about all of this Octomom stuff and the Octuplets well, let's say I did have some cause for concern.

Let me catch you up. Back in the late 50's ol' Buford was riding with the Basillicians out of Dyersville, IA. Tough Hell-Raising group made up of about 40 to 80 members (depending on the time of year several were farmers and had milking and harvesting to do) In order to make ends meet and buy parts for my panhead, me and a couple of the boys would deliver a weekly package from our "friends in Chicago" to our "friends in Los Angeles". As it turns out often those deliveries were met with anxious nervous dudes taking advantage of their right to bear arms and they would often relieve us of the packages without the proper compensation. Keep in mind we would not see those same fellas on the next trip so we assumed our friends in Chicago convinced our friends in Los Angeles to eliminate those positions.

But, in those times we would find ourselves without money for the ride back to Dyersville. Now, Sprocket and Axle would often do whatever necessary to find gas money perhaps a friendly liquor store had extra cash they were not in need of and would make a donation. Or perhaps a group of fellow but non-friendly riders would have a stash of cash in their clubhouse and Sprocket would allow ourselves access to that. However, I tried as hard as I could to live up to my moniker the "Altar-Boy" and would try to find my cash as honest as possible.

This one particular weekend we found ourselves in a little rougher area of South Los Angeles with a little gas and little cash. There was a sign in big painted pink letters on a little shop screaming out. Donate here! Get Paid! I wheel my Harley straight up to the front door, dismount and yell out. "Buford Pickleberry has arrived to donate".

Turns out this donation was something brand new at the time, the first in the nation sperm bank. Well to not go into too much detail, lets just say Buford left a half hour later a few ounces lighter and eleven dollars 63 cents richer! That good bank had some award-winning Buford to share with those who were unable to share on their own. It was a win win win situation.

Flash forward to 2009 and I'm watching the TV when this Octomom comes on the tube and these reporter types are harrassing her about who the father is and her need to disclose. Well, let's just say I had a few sleepless hours there for awhile.

It occurred to me that perhaps Ms. Octomom may have gone into Buford's former trading post, got to looking through the menu, reading all the temptations and may just have picked herself out a serving of one Mr. Buford M. Pickleberry Vintage 1958.

I thought "Oh Boy, Buford may have to go back to work full time if that turns out to be true". So, I get Wendell on the internet and on the telephone and we start to do some research. We located that particular bank and much to Ol' Buford's relief it turns out that particular location housing Prime Pickleberry had been burned down in 1992 during the Rodney King Riots.

While this caused me much relief knowing that there are not 14 little Pickleberrys running around Los Angeles, it did sadden me that the Pickleberry line may be running out of racetrack. I guess I'll have to step up my search for the trophy wife. Housewives of Butler County, you're officially back on notice! Buford is feeling the need to leave a legacy. (keep in mind it may be just my gall bladder acting up however).

That's all I got for now. Leave me alone, I got a lot of stuff to do around here today. - Buford.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Note to Wendell

Wendell - When you come over today bring that 11/16th Hex socket wrench and those jumper cables. I'm working on Margaret Hulminders Food Processor and I've got a stubborn little screw that won't pop loose. Bring those Chicken McNuggets from last night (only if you put them in your frig and didn't just leave them in your car) Buford.

Providing Inspiration to All

So a letter comes in the mail this morning. It was looking pretty official so I decided I better open it even before eating last nights leftover boiled cabbage and pig ear which we fried in peanut oil and served over baked tomato paste.

This letter came from the President and it stated. "Mr. Buford M. Pickleberry your service to the country is needed and most critical if we are to continue on as the free country that we are today". Well to say this intrigued me was an understatement. I continued reading (after I watched that funny son of a gun Maury Povich for a 1/2 hour) The letter went on to say. Mr. Pickleberry, as part of the Presidents Inspire America Act, we are asking 15 of the most influential Americans of all time to donate 3 hours of your day every day for the next 6 months toward inspiring America!

Now, I thought Ol' Buford inspired Dan and Wendell every single day when they come to help me out a few hours and along with my monthly motivational speeches at the Appanoose County Red Hat group's Wednesday luncheon series, well that should be enough. Then I thought, you know Mr. President, you are correct, Ol' Buford does have some more inspiration left in him. Sometimes I think it's gas but then sometimes it is inspiration.

I continued readng. Mr. Pickleberry, you've been included in a select group of Americans that have brought joy to thousands, inspired millions with your success stories and provided the basis of a life that others can use to springboard their otherwise mundane day to day existense into a life of ultra-achievement and rewards.

Wow! Mr. President can really lay it on Ol' Buford. Well... What is next.

The letter went on to say. We're not asking you to develop any speech, you won't need to deliver any presentations. We simply want to put you up on a pedestal in pre-determined locations around the nation for others to see you up close and in person. (of course red velvet ropes will be utilized to keep a safe and reasonable distance) we'll fly you every day to a location, you'll be lifted onto a pedestal where you will stand and look inspirational for 3 hours. It is our dream that the mere vision of you will inspire those looking to go out, reinvent themselves in your image, take on new challenges and become the type of American that you are Mr. Pickleberry.

So, I thought to myself. What do I need to do to contribute toward inspring Americans? The letter went on. Beginning April 11th you'll be joining an elite group of 15 Americans who have expressed a willingness to inspire others by being showcased to the masses of workers who otherwise may have a very boring day.

Mr. Pickleberry. We'll begin your tour on Wall Street, you'll stand on Madison and 11th on a 15 foot pedestal and merely look grandeur for the passerby between 6 a.m. and 9 a.m. From there we'll fly you to Mt. Rushmore where you'll stand between heavy traffic times of 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. for the hundreds of people to witness a "Live Inspiration" instead of mere rock.

Your tour will continue on across the country at locations in Denver, Los Angeles MOMA and Branson Missouri as well as others.

We'll end the month long event of Live American Inpsirations tour with a culmination event of a 24 hour live viewing of all 15 Inspirational Americans in Washington DC on May 24th. The live viewing will be broadcast in its entirety on CNN and other networks.
We'll allow you some sleep as you prepare for the 24 hours inspiration marathon and of course a couple of bathroom breaks.

The letter ended with Thank you for being one of our 15 inspirational Americans Mr. Buford M. Pickleberry. Your lifelong dedication to perfections and inpsiring others has not gone unnoticed, we look forward to your participation in the Presidents plan to inspire the world. You'll be joining 14 other great Americans as Live Human statues including Cher.

So...Ol Bufords been called back to service. I guess I can do this for the country. I do have some concern about security and the Chicago date. There's a few boys from the old days that would love to have a free crack at Buford and standing on a pedestal as a live statue inspiring others by my mere presence provides that opportunity for them. I'll have to deal with that and the Cubs on that day.

So, watch for me coming to a city near you. I look forward to inspiring you by my presence. Feel free to take pictures, apparently we're not allowed to provide life answers on an individual basis but I'll be happy to address your questions in a broad sense. See you, (more appropriately, you'll be seeing me very soon) - Buford

Now, leave me alone, I've got a lot to do today.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

If I had a Nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank

So, I got home from water aerobics at the Golds Gym. Let me quickly give you a Pickleberry Power tip. 1/2 pound of blood sausage, a head cheese 6 egg omelette and a slice of ground cherry pie for breakfast works better AFTER the workout. About 1/2 hour in and it became rather unpleasant for myself and the 7-8 gray hairs in their one-piece swimsuits and arm-floats. (additional apology to Helen Maxheimer won't stand so close next time)

So, got home and here I had a wonderful letter in the mailbox. I have been summoned to the 195th District Court of Powatmieniene County South Dakota to hear the final rulings of the Supreme Court case of "Pickleberry vs the people of the United States and World".

Allow me to catch you up. Back in 1972 I was driving through Chicago and my good friend John "Records" Landecker on WLS Radio was going on about pets or something as he always did. He was talking to someone on the air over the phone and John says "If I had a nickle for every time I heard that" I about pulled my car straight into the path of a trolley car as I was reaching for the volume knob. I yelled straight into the steering wheel "That is MY Saying" "I invented the phrase If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank"

I called up Mr. Landecker and said "Records, this is Buford M. Pickleberry. I just heard you use my saying "If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank and I am strongly urging you to please refrain from using that". He replied, "Buford, it's a free country dude, the airwaves are free, love is free and some other hippee crap.

The very next morning I drove straight to the Patent and Copywrite office at 22nd and Wabash and filled out the form, slapped down the $14.00, the clerk notorized the document and Viola!!! Buford M. Pickleberry is the proud owner of the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank"

So, I then set a royalty rate of (obviously) a nickle for every time someone said my phrase "If I had a nickle blank blank blank" (with a little foresight I should have also copyrighted dime, quarter and dollar but times were tough. I'm not sure who owns those copyrights but I am the nickle guy. (there was a time around 1994 that it was thought my phrase may have been owned and included in the deal between Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney but that was soon proven to be wrong.)

Flash forward to 1981. I'm laying in bed watching my friend Johnny Carson on the TV and Johnny says to Jack Fowler. Johnny said "Jack, If I had a nickle for every time on of those monkeys" I bolted straight outta my bed and reached for the phone before Johnny had even finished his line. Well it turns out Johnny would not take my call.

Flash forward to 1982. In 1982 I'm deeply embroiled in several lawsuits trying to defend my ownership of the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time blank blank blank" I've got a group of attorney's working 24 hours a day and a court says nope, it is in the public vernacular, another court nope, another court nope, another court nope, well that was 26 years ago and here we are today, the 195th District Court of Powatmieniene County South Dakota is going to make the final ruling. My lawyers say it looks good for ol' Buford!

I've spent somewhere around $200,000 for attorneys through the years. I'll be setting up an "Honor System" website through the good folks at Paypal. Once the ruling becomes official on Friday. I'm going to trust in the good faith of human nature. I'll leave it up to you pay a nickle for each time you've ever used the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time blank blank blank" Please get out your calenders and day planner to refresh your memory.

I'll probably spend some time perusing books at the library to see which authors have sold millions of dollars worth of books thanks to the phrase Buford owns.

Several years ago I was a guest on the Dick Cavett show. I was doing the talk show circuit promoting my latest book at the time "The Pickleberry Method toward programming your Microwave oven" It was a timely book, sold about 3 million copies and stayed on the NY Times bestseller list for 18 weeks. It was a fairly eclectic show that night artist Salvador DalĂ­ was on the show with silent screen star Lillian Gish and baseball legend Satchel Paige. I was up after Dali who was being very odd that night with his ant-eater friend. Mr. Cavett says. "Buford, If I had a nickle for every time one of our guests has asked about a microwave book" Now, I don't know if Mr. Cavett was aware that I held the copyright to that phrase but it sure made me look him in the eye.

About six months later, I open up the mail, there is 17 cents taped onto a postcard from one Mr. Dick Cavett. (The Most Honest Man in Hollywood) The note simply said "Buford Pickleberry Royalty for saying phrase "If I had a nickle blank blank blank" 4 times. (He rounded down should have been 20 cents.)

So, keep a watching my website here, based on my ruling this Friday, if the good court in South Dakota goes my way, Ol Buford will soon be on easy street. I'll be setting up the link and looking forward to your honesty and nickles coming my way.

Now leave me alone, I've got a lot to do today.

Friday, March 13, 2009

FInally, winter seems to be coming to an end

Good Morning. I'm writing this morning on Wendell's laptop computer which seems to be a bit touchy. We're

Those who know me, understand that Buford likes to keep busy, I do a lot of public speaking to small groups mostly around the midwest. I like to keep my fingers, eyes and brain nimble working on small appliances, mostly for friends and relatives. As we get ready for a full summer ahead, I was going over my yellow pad and decided to put onto my website here what I got accomplished this winter.

I hope it inspires some folks at what can be done when you decide to shut the TV off, and get off yer behind.

1. I am very proud that I finally shattered my record of being able to hold my breath for 9 minutes nd 13 seconds adn increased it to 11 minutes and 11 seconds.

2. I volunteered for several days at a day camp for bladderless migrant workers

3. Three weeks I made myself available for product endorsements in Samarjia where I am extremely well known.

4. I formed a small 17 piece marching band and put on free concerts for the elderly in stadiums across the country in December.

5. I was able to handily defeat Pete Sampras in Golf, Greg Norman in Checkers and Mindov Kastletniz in leg wrestling.

6. I was voted "Rookie of the Year" and had the title ceremoniously stripped of me for having too much experience.

7 I cracked that Davinci Code a year too late.

8. I took full credit for coining the phrase "Bird Flu".

9 I mastered Time Travel, but got a little too far behind and Wendell had to come and get me.

10. I bought a hovercraft event though I spend most of my time indoors.

11. I ate Green Beans even though I deplore the color.

12. I walked a fine line between Freeze Drying and Freezer Burning.

13. I learned the delicate art of Buffalo management.

14. I studied with Kenichiro Nishi yet had my play widely panned.

15. At one point in January I gave some very heavy consideration.

16. I wrote and performed a one man show playing the person who had to move Katie Couric's Desk.

17. I earned the trust of a reeses monkey only to have him use the information against me.

18. I spent several minutes in a deep depression that I couldn't coin a name better than Google

19. Several hours every Tuesday was spent calling Wendell and Dan by their middle names.

20. I scientifically engineered a new fruit varietal that actually does taste like chicken.

21. I formed a macrame consortium and immediately disbanded it when they refused to refer the themselves as my entourage.

22. I March I went 3 days without drinking one ounce of fluids yet curiously spent several minutes each hour in the restroom?

23. I had an online relationship with someone that didn't even own a computer.

24. I perfected my walk.

25. I finally taught a man to fish so he would leave me alone.

26. I argued for a seatmate on a plane that a colostomy bag was not bringing liquids onto the plane.

27. I spent every day the entire winter answering my phone with the expression "Brad Pitt's Phone" please hold.

28. I attended several Symphony events, demanded to be sat in the front row, where I would scream "Play Freebird" at the musicians all night.

29. I tossed one back and it came back to bite me.

30. I found an absolute perfect moment to lollygag and decided not to.

31. I developed a line of cookwear for overpriveleged children.

32. I was actually able to keep a long story short.

33. I turned down a role that I have yet to regret.

34. I called with uncanny accuracy the final scores of sevearl Pac 10 wrestling tournaments.

35. In December I medically confirmed that I would never be a mother even though this was something I always knew in my heart.

36. I waited almost 35 years to trounce, I found it to be exhilarating yet exhausting.

37. I sat next to group that actually was eating, drinking and being merry.

38. I very much enjoyed Kiwi on the very first try even though I was told it was an acquired taste.

39. I teamed up with Paul McCartney to record a new album and we decided to never release it.

40. I discovered I have an uncanny ability to balance on my left foot. It is being studied by a team of doctors.

41. I experienced expoential growth that really didn't hurt that much.

42. I studied with the Dali Lama, several guru's, and the guy fixing my patio cement. I finally learned that the secret, the one true meaning of "It ALL" is found in the expression. Well my memory slips me right now, I'll have to get back to you on that one. It's good though if I remember right.

Pretty good winter, what did you get done?

Thats all I got for today, leave me alone, let me know you got this.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Are you building your boat?

I woke up this morning thinking about my old friend Albert Runyan. Albert and I became aquaintances one day we were each having coffee alone at the corner cafe. He smirked out loud about something he was reading from the paper about then President Nixon. From there we started chatting and over 40 years later we're still fast friends. To say that Albert never really set the world on fire would be a fair and accurate assessment. Albert was not one to have any great desire to climb Everest, or go on big game hunting safari's. Albert is just a regular guy, worked at the feed-mill in Earlham all his life, came home to watch his kids play basketball. Went to church every Sunday and, built a Titantic sized boat in the pasture of his backyard that is now over 3 football fields long, almost 3 stories tall and right at 173 feet wide at the middle.

Let me tell you how this all started. One hot as all get out afternoon, Albert and I were sitting out under a big tree in his back yard enjoying some lemonades. I looked way out onto his pasture and noticed a bunch of wood in a pile. Nothing fancy just scraps of lumber some tar paper and that type of stuff. It looked like someone had torn down a building and snuck onto Albert's property one night to dump it. I asked Albert "Whats that mess?" He said "That's no mess, that's my boat!" Now I sure didn't see a boat in there but what I was able to see didn't matter. Albert saw it. I says "Uh Albert, We're living in the middle of Iowa. We aint even got a decent lake within a hundred miles. He says "I'll worry about that when I get her all done". I did mention that this was 1973 didn't I? Every few months I'd get over to Albert's and the boat would have taken on new a form. It didn't really look like a boat, more like a shack you see down by the river where the homeless make up camps. Albert continued on. He would find scraps of lumber, wood, nails and every night after work or after the kids went to bed he would find a few minutes to pound a few nails or cut a few boards. This was his passion, his therapy.

About 1980 this thing had taken on the size of a small house. That is when the city came calling. They said he needed building permits, plumbing permits, zoning permits. Albert simply said, 'I ain't building no building, I'm building a boat" The city elders couldn't figure out what to do next so they left him alone and every few years would try to send over an inspector or someone to do some snooping. About 1990 this thing had now grown to over 200 feet long and was taking up a lot of his 40 acres of pasture. The goats were grazing around it but Albert kept on sawing and cutting and pounding and nailing. This thing suddenly was becoming a bit of a local attraction and people from Cedar County and Omaha would take Sunday drives to cruise past on a the dusty gravel just on the edge of Earlham. One day a photographer came by from the Dubuque Herald and took some pictures. They put it in the see Iowa section of the Sunday paper and suddenly Albert had gone from "Kook" to a Visionary, Artistic, Expansive, Creative urban artist. He said "I'm just cutting up some old lumber and building a boat"

Today, Alberts about as old as me, he can't do much more on that monster that appears to be floating in his field. It's been his enjoyment for over 40 years. Albert says "I sure missed a lot of good TV shows building that thing"

Through the years, Alberts kids have had a lot of fun and a great life in Earlham. They've grown up into just regular folks doing regular jobs. They probably won't ever set the world on fire either. They raise their kids and go to church every Sunday. They'll probably inherit Albert's acreage and have to do something with Albert's boat at some point as well.

Albert and his boat will never see water and if it does we're all in a lot of trouble. But Albert saw that boat sitting in his field over 40 years ago when it was just a few boards.

Do you have that kind of vision? Your vision doesn't have to be huge dreams. Just something that fuels your passion, keeps you on the straight and narrow. Allows you to get away from it all for awhile. There is a lot of stress going on in the world right now. People are losing their homes, going bankrupt, losing jobs. Albert's world had all of that as well. He had energy crisis, farm crisis, terror crisis, job crisis, but he didn't bury his head in a computer or sit and fret over the newscasters Horror Stories, he went out and pounded a few nails and had a beer or two.

He would sit in the middle of his Iowa pasture on his boat with his kids as they relayed their stories of their days. Those kids went from spilling their crayons all over the ground, to bringing home their girlfriends to show off their Dad's boat. Today those kids bring their own kids to tear around on the "Portside Deck" and play down in the "Galley" Albert and his children would spend hours on that boat not looking at oceanic sunsets, but at hawks swooping down to catch a field mouse. Do you think those kids cared? I doubt it. That boat is as much a part of their lives and vision as it is Alberts, and mine, and now yours.

I hope you've got a boat you're building. Something that gives you a reason to get up every day and pound a few nails. We'll get through this together and if it comes worse to worse, lets push that old boat into the river and float on down to Nawlins!

Have a good day, now leave me alone I've got a lot of important stuff to do today. Buford.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Salve Applicator Specialist Needed Immediately

So early this morning Wendell comes by to check on me and get my breakfast ready. Today being Friday is my topical application day. This is the one day that just about every ointment and medicinal salve that has been prescribed to preserve Buford is applied.

So I like to start with the couple of huge old Plantar warts that I got on the heel of my left foot. When Wendell came in today, I had my foot bared, propped up on a pillow and said "Wendell, start a rubbing". Well he squirted a bunch outta the tube, slathered it on with absolutely no care whatsover and walked into the kitchen. Well to say that this left me a little perturbed is an understatement. Now, I realize that being 80 years old, I may have a few more ointments that need applicated than most, but I don't think I'm asking anyone to go above and beyond the normal job of what everyone else in America does!

Well, Wendell is a helluva cook, can clean my house to withstand a Martha Stewart white glove treatment and he still lets me have a couple of shots of whiskey every night so I'll keep him around but as of right now he is OFFFFFFF my ointment application. Hear Me Dude?

So, here is a basic rundown, I need someone to come by anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes every day. The day will vary depending on the prescriptions. I like to have my salves and ointments applied early in the day so they have the whole day to work and do their jobs. I don't want greasy bedsheets caused by some dim-wit that doesn't understand the proper way to massage in an ointment.

Your job description is this. Let's get the ugly ones out of the way first. These are the ones that are generally unpleasant for both of us. I've got a bit of an extra skin fold under my right armpit. Been there since I lost a buncha weight a few years back. This one needs daily moisturize and massaged about 8 minutes. I've got the aforementioned Plantar that needs to be rubbed with an emory board and then the wart acid applied, re-emory board after 15 minutes and then reapplied.

I seem to have a bit of a moisture problem in the overall groinage area. This has caused an odd looking fungi to sprout on occassion. I've got a very soothing cream that will need to be applied and rubbed in quite deeply. Several years ago, I had an accident that I severely gouged my inner right thigh. It has taken a long time for that scar to heal properly due to my age. I've got a balm that needs to be applied daily. From there we flip over and you will notice I've got several large protuding hemoroids that are clinging on for dear life. Your job will be to apply one of two ointments (both prescription) to these bad boys. Wendell was making good headway on these but again, has chosen to go in a different direction. I flip back over onto my back and we work on a belly button dryness issue. I've got a peculiarly large and deep belly button. It tends to accumulate a lot of lint causing a severe dryness. This requires you to carefully tweeze out all of the lint, clean the button with a cotton swab, apply a moisturize to your pinky finger and insert about 3 inches into my belly button. Massage this very carefully to avoid irritation (both belly and Buford)

Those are the unpleasant ointments. From there we lighten up the application process. I still am holding onto hope and clinging on to a few remaining hair buds! We do a 12 minute massage of the minoxodil into the Buford scalp and let that soak in, then reapply for good measure. A few years ago, I had a few sun spots removed offa my nose so you'll need to apply a good spf 25 suncreen to that area. I also seem to have a peculiar growth just under my left buttock. That I've been to the clinic several times, they keep on trying new things. Currently there is a very thick browish oil that we're applying. Be aware this will leave your hands quite brown for several days after each application, even through gloves.

Finally we let these ointments dry for 10 to 15 minutes and enjoy a cup of coffee together. Then, we do an entire body moisturizer rub down. Simply start at the top and apply liberal dosages of moisturizer and rub deeply to every inch of my body. And that is it. Do you see a HUGE DEAL in this? No, me either. Simple.

So, I'm sorry to say Wendell you are off the job and your pay will be adjusted accordingly. I hope you can survive without that extra $5 per hour every day. You my friend are no longer my Salve Applicator. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but your dis-interest in my Plantars this morning proved to me that you no longer take pride in your ointment applicating the way you once did. You can continue to cook and clean but I'll be taking applications for a new Ointment Applicator beginning immediately.

I'll need someone to come by this afternoon to begin. My rear end is screaming for some relief and Wendell is off the job as of this notice. Thank you for applying. A small interview and background check will be required and of course you'll be required to sign a privacy agreement that you won't be releasing information to the media or taking photos of Bufords privates to release on TMZ or sell them to any tabloids.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I'm looking for a Trophy Wife - Housewives of Butler County you're on notice!

So, I was watching the TV last night with Wendell, soaking up a mighty fine Templeton Rye Whiskey. Wendell had on the Housewives of Orange County and we were watching those ladies tear each other up and laughing our behinds off. About 1/2 way through the show, it struck me, I said to myself and Wendell. "Buford, you need yourself a trophy wife" There was one old boy on there that escorts this lady around town. This old dude can barely walk and this young chicky is out literally running circles around this guy like a yapping puppy at a mailman.

So, I'm a realist, I have no desire to roll someone 40 years my junior around the city but I'm thinking 55 to 65 years of age, not too long in the tooth would be a good trophy wife candidate.

Now, I know old Buford has got several of the ladies of the Appanoose County Red Hat Club that anxiously await each of my postings and before they all grab their walkers and trot for their e-mails, let me put up a few criteria of what you need to bring to the table and what you'll be getting in return for being my trophy wife.

First off, let me warn you, being a wife of Buford appears to have some hazard. You'll be bride number 7. I've had more wives than dogs, so that should tell ya something. In fairness to myself, I had a bad run back in 1957 and lost 2 wives within 6 months of each other. Those were wild times, I was running with the Basilicians Motorcycle Club out of Dyersville and when I say lost I literally mean lost. We were camping out in the Rocky Mountains on one road trip, Ms Greta wandered off to do her morning constitutional and didn't come back. Well I looked 15 -20 minutes but when the Basilicians decide it is time to ride, it is time to ride, if you aint on the bike, find your own way back. I never did see Ms. Greta again.

3 months later I was doing a run with Grizzly. He looked over at me and said "Altar-Boy, let's head our asses to Vegas". We did, long story short, I met a fine-looking showgirl with a nice ankle. I said "Darling, you're Bufords next wife" She looked at me, said, "I guess you'll do". We hitched up in a chapel and celebrated all the way down route 66 through the south. One afternoon we pulled into a gas station, She said, "Buford, my ass is sore from riding 300 miles without stopping" "Can we stay here for the night"? Now, back then I had a firm rule of 400 miles per day, so this comment kind of struck me as a little off-handed. I thought to myself. "How did I get hitched up with such a spoiled thing"? I said "Sure Ms. Misty, We can stay for the night. Go check into that fancy Ramada Inn over there, I'm going to gas up the Hog and I'll be back." Well as far as I know, Ms. Misty may still be waiting at that fancy Ramada which should have been her first clue. No Pickleberry ever stayed at a Ramada back then. If I ever get to Alabama, I may check it out, she's probably working the front desk.

So, that brings me to today. What does the next Mrs. Pickleberry get out of the honor of adorning her checkbook with the name Pickleberry?

  1. First and foremost, I've still got a full head of hair. Now mind you, there is not much on top but it comes out of every other hole on my head. Nose, Ears, Face, eyebrows. So I'm pretty good there.
  2. Secondly, I'm on very few medications. I've got about 17 different things that I take here and there but nothing that a few shots of Mr. Jim Beam can't cure much faster.
  3. I have a house of my own. Its 568 square feet of pure Bufordness, just enough that takes Wendell about 20 minutes to clean and I can hear the bacon sizzling from the kitchen when I'm laying in bed.
  4. I can still drive. The state of Iowa won't let me "legally" but Wendell let's me tear around the Hy-Vee parking lot at night somtimes. I've got a 68' Panhead parked in the back garage and when I get loaded up on my anti-vertigo medicine enough that the dizzy-ness goes away for awhile I still fire that old girl up and head around Saylorville Lake.
  5. I've got money. We won't be sharing that, you do need to bring your own to the table but you won't have to worry about me taking any of yours.
  6. I'm still semi-gainfully employed. I don't work much anymore but I still get invited to give a speech now and then or a high school graduation commencement every year. Those Rotary characters in Urbandale are a hoot and I can get them laughing so hard they squirt their lemonade right outta their noses. I've learned that I can't give luncheon talks to the Red Hat groups any longer. Let's just say there's enough widows in those groups that when I stand up to give my talk, I start to feel like a roll of salami hanging in the Deli. I can see their minds wandering and they aint thinking about my "how to find an honest car mechanic" speech.
  7. I should have a ticket straight past the pearly gates into heaven. For almost 50 years I've been a member in good standing at Holy Trinity Church of Perpetual Guilt in Des Moines Parish. Even when I was on the road, I would weekly send in my dollar. I figure I've got over $2500 invested in my pathway to heaven. Sure I ain't gonna be sitting in the front row up there but like I said, Buford don't need a Ramada. I figure the next Mrs Pickleberry is probably gonna get a free ride alongside. So, in advance "You're Welcome"
So, Dan's coming by today. He checks on me Wednesday's. Fixes my lunch and makes sure things all good around the castle. Said on the phone he's bringing Chicken Breast and Shiratake Noodles. I better have a shot of Whiskey to get those things down. I'm gonna go take a look outside sposed to be 60 degrees in Des Moines today. Thinking about firing up the panhead. I'll write up those Trophy Wife requirements next time. You'll have to wait to see if you qualify. Thats all I got for today. Now leave me alone, I've got important things to do.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Now we know the rest of the story!

It's a sad day in Bufordville. Got up enjoying a good cup of coffee, Wendell's helping me out today so that means bacon and eggs not Tofu and crap for breakfast. I got the CNN headlines on and the gal tells me my good friend Paul Harvey has died. I haven't seen or spoken to Paul in the last few years but we've always kept in touch via letters and the last few years via the e-mail system.

I first me Paul who was a few years older than me sometime in the early 50's. He was working at WENR in Chicago and I was across town at WGN where I did the daily "commentation of the station" show and hosted the "Friday Night Barn Burner" Lively little local music and dance show quite popular back then. Paul was already pretty legendary in the industry and working for the same affiliate we would often "trade talent" back and forth. One Friday night Paul was filling in for whoever came on before my show and as I was getting ready he asks me if I mind if he hangs around for the Barn Burner. I said we do things a little different around here on Friday night Paul and I put a bottle of whiskey up on the console, strapped on the headphones and blasted out the Dunkerton Domino's latest record. Well needless to say by the time we were done with the night Paul and I were fast friends. He'd come around a lot of Fridays and we would hoot it up and then go out on the town for a cold beer and Chicago dog.

As my career took me across the country with various stops along the way, I didn't get to see Paul as often but would phone him and we wrote a lot of letters. Of course I would hear my friends almost every single day on the radio wherever I was.

We would cross paths on the speaking tours quite a bit, we had the same promoter and this guy put together the large event speaking events with 10 to 15 "Big Names" Tony Robbins, Mayor Guliani, Mr's Fields Cookies, Buford Pickleberry, Fran Tarkenton, Paul Harvey. Those kinds of events. We would always room beside each other and just have the best of laughs.

I give credit to Paul for encouraging old Buford to hang onto the Pickleberry handle. Way back when a station manager called me into his office and says "Buford you're an incredible talent and you're going places. But this Pickleberry name you got going isn't happening man" We gotta get you a new handle. That night I went home and threw around a dozen new "Radio Names" Buford Pickle, Buford Berry, Boo Berry, Pickle Boo, Hell I think I even considered Chuck Berry. I called up Paul and said "the old man wants me to get a more radio friendly name" Paul says. I can't think of anything that will take you further in life than your own God given, incredibly unique handle Buford M. Pickleberry" Paul said "Hold onto that name it's one people will remember"

I did, they have and now to borrow from my good friend who I will miss very much "Now you know the rest of the Story" Good Day!