Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Buford Pickleberry available again for your celebrity endorsement needs.

Well friends, Due to a perfect storm of events colliding all at one time over Bufordville, yours truly is being forced to re-enter the employment market. I've had hundreds and lost hundreds and now, due to a very mis-timed entry into the pygmy goat-milk futures market, well, Ol Buford is now living about 3 blocks off of easy street.

I called up my agent and said "Lester, this is Buford M. Pickleberry, I need you to get the word out that Buford Pickleberry is once again available for Public Appearances and Celebrity Endorsements" Of course the Pickleberry name is one I need to protect so obviously I am unable to add my hand to just any product but I am certainly open and willing to looking at whatever products and opportunities come my way.

There have been several very interesting opportunities coming my way. As you can imagine, companies have long been aligning themselves with the Pickleberry mystique and my ability to get my followers to open up their wallets and part with the greenbacks.

Many years ago, my friend Paul Harvey and I were visiting. Paul had a wonderful relationship with the fine folks at Buick for years and I was having a bit of trouble with my then endorsement of the Massey Ferguson rotary garden tiller. They didn't feel that a then 72 year old man with bad knees battling a 238 pound garden tiller around piles of dirt was an enhancement to their image so we parted ways. Paul said "Buford, you need to find yourself an Automobile to promote" I found that industry to be a litle stand-offish but I was able to land an afternoon gig at Ernies Buy Here, Pay Here Auto Center. That was quite lucrative paying $39.00 and a half-eaten box of Krispy-Kremes.

I also reminded my agent Lester that at one point Johnny Carson and I were vying for the same clothing gig. While eventually many fine stores did carry the Johnny Carson Collection of fine suits, the Dollar General stores had made tens of hundreds of dollars off of the Buford Pickleberry Collection of Dickies and my innovative but underappreciated 7 button vests.

That brings me to today. Lester has the fax machine running (reminds me Wendell if you're reading this, I've told you for the last time, get that old ink cartridge out of the sink) Today, I've got a few interesting offers of endorsements to go through. As I eat my bread-bowl full of bacon wrapped cocktail weiners and hollandaise sauce I will go through each of these.

The first is a very intersting proposition from the fine folks at Popeye's Chicken. It seems they are interested in cashing in on the Pickleberry Cache. The offer appears to include me donning a chicken type of outfit standing on a busy intersection and holding a sign promoting this fine establishment. Appears we are negotiating at this time in the 7 dollars per hour range and Lester has countered with a free lunch and a serving of beans to take home at the end of the endorsement period. - Interesting

The second one appears that the good folks at my old friends Sam Walton's store have come a calling. Sam at one point told me, Buford, I just don't think I can sell any more boxes of cereal and soap, I'm thinking about closing down the store and joining up the Basillicians and riding with you. I said "Sam, you've only got the one store you're running. Why don't you build a couple of more and get the kids involved. Let them run the damn thing and you can drive around in your old truck all day. Well, I guess Sam took my advice and things have been pretty good for him since then. He's always taken care of ol' Buford by offering me a special $4 for my drug prescriptions. Good friend and I miss him. Today, the fine folks have offered Buford a key position as the official "Face of the Store". Appears they would like to have Buford as the first face customers see when they enter. Interesting. I would be offering advice on product and aisle location strategy to the fine customers as well as advising them on hot pretzel specials. Thanks Sam old boy! I'll put that one on the top of the consideration pile.

The third and most interesting offer today came in rolling in around 11:00 and as I had fully expected, Hollywood has come calling to Buford Pickleberry. It appears that the movie business is also going through some tough times and they too have turned to the Pickleberry moniker to see about boosting lagging sales. The fine folks at Happy's Video Arcade on sixth and MLK drive have presented an offer of "Video Specialist Team Member" It appears that I'll be working hand in hand with the large studios and promoting their fine blockbusters to potential patrons. MGM, Disney and many others have aligned to put together an interesting offer to Buford. We're stuck at the negotiating table right now. They are at $7.25 for every hour of my time. I'm in need of a bit more plus the right to the leftover popcorn at the end of the day. We'll see where that one goes.

So, I've got several very high profile celebrity endorsement opportunities to be looking over. I've got to get Lester a list of those that I'm most interested in. It seems as if a lot of these companies are needing to have the Pickleberry name applied as soon as possible. It appears that the Hollywood Happy's Video Arcade could in fact begin this afternoon due to the fact that Steven Smith attends the University of Northern Illinois and his own endorsement deal coincided with his spring break ending. This has left Happy's with a celebrity void. I may have to consider that one soon.

I'm still looking at several others offers on the table. Major League Baseball has come calling! It seems the Wichita Warthogs AAA farm team needs a face added to increase the popcorn sales at home games. Ernies Buy Here, Pay Here has thrown an interesting Saturday Afternoon offer on the table as well. Lots of things to consider. One note, Lester if you are reading this, I will not, again, WILL NOT endorse the Watson's Lingerie Man Bra. I may need to do a couple of pushups thats a given but I do draw the line at nudity. Tasteful, such as speedo swimsuit I may consider.

That's all I got for now, leave me alone I've got to finish up these bacon wrapped cocktail wieners and re-heat these BBQ meat balls from last night. I left them out in Wendells car overnight but they should be OK - Buford.

1 comment:

  1. Buford, so nice to hear from you again! I know how tough this recession is going to be, so do be quick to snap up one of these fantastic offers! Personally, I feel the Hollywood offer would be the better deal of them all.

    When I think of Sam Walton's offer, well I think it's only fair to warn you, the cameras will be trained on you your entire shift. I know how much you love the camera, but even Burt Reynolds has to scratch his ass sometime, and...well sweetie, as much as I love ya...I've seen you doing more than scratching your ass lately.

    As for the popcorn sales at the ball game, you will only have to climb all those stairs from the bottom to the top and back again...remember those knees dear, I know you have been thinking of knee replacements, and maybe you had that done while I wasn't paying attention, but really Buford...Having knees the size of melons is over rated.

    As for the Popeye's offer...PA-LEASE dear sir! Hold out for a bucket of chicken and some dirty rice! You know how the beans affect you...

    Buford, it's always so nice to hear from you, you never call, but I guess since you got your celebrity status that so many of the younger gals have vied for your attentions, understandable I assure you. That's a good thing, we don't get to all live life like your good buddy Heff...you get em Tiger...I'll be happy to live a full life through your tales!

    Be well until the next time you write...