Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What's up with Buford?

Well folks it's been awhile since I've had an opportunity to sit down and do some writing. So I was sitting here watching these Country Music Awards and out comes my old buddy Kris Kristofferson, looking better than he has any right to, I think we're the same age? Let me tell you that old boy put just about anything down his gullet in his day. It got me to thinking about why some things happen to some folks and some things never happen to others?

You've heard me talk about Dan who comes by and checks on me now and then. About 3 weeks ago, Wendell was doing his motor paper route so Dan was doing some double duty, he said he'd take me to my hypertension checkup if I had time to ride along to the eye doctor appointement that his wife had. I said that would be fine, I've always enjoyed laughing along with Ms. Stephanie and an eye appointment would surely bring some laughs after they dilated her eyeballs! Fun stuff there.

So, we drop Ms. Stephanie off at the eye doctor, Dan and I head over to Casey's and grab some coffee then head back to the doctor office, sit in the parking lot and enjoy the sunshine & beautiful morning. Pretty soon here comes Ms. Stephanie out the door and she's just about to the car when a nurse comes chasing out after her...soon they're looking pretty serious and heading back inside. Well Dan gets out of the car and heads into the office to see what is up.

I'm waiting in the car and about 10 minutes later here they both come and said "We're heading to the hospital" Stephanie is crying and upset and Dan is driving about 100 miles an hour down the interstate.

We get to the Methodist Hospital in Des Moines and they've got a wheelchair waiting for Ms. Stephanie.. They roll her into the John Stoddard Cancer Clinic. Dan and I sit and wait for what seems to be forever and here they come.. They are checking her into the hospital. She's got something major wrong with her...

We walk about 5 miles down hallways, Stephanie in a wheelchair and they check her into a room.... It was a few hours of doctors, nurses, blood transfusions and the whole mess... About 3 hours later they think it's her spleen, then about 4 hours later they think it's her kidneys, then about 48 hours later after they took about 3 quarts of blood from her, they diagnosed it as Leukemia.

Well Dan and Stephanie are stunned... How did a simple eye appointment turn into a blood cancer? That was the question that both of them asked over and over.

Well where they are at today is Ms. Stephanie had 7 days of Chemo and came through great. She's been in that hospital since October 19th. She needs to get her blood count up to a certain number before she gets to come home. They feel confident that they can knock the lukemia into remission and Ms. Stephanie will come out of it just fine.

Well I've been pretty quiet about it all and offering what support I could. I noticed Ms. Stephanie talked about her experience on her website here I'm sure some of you know her as the ass-kicking Iowa Harley Girl.

Old Buford would appreciate it you could swing by her website and offer up some thoughts, prayers and provide a little inspiration. She celebrated her birthday and their wedding anniversary in the hospital yesterday, on her own, as Dan ended up with the flu and cannot expose her to anything since she has no resistance to any sort of bugs right now.

I've been a little un-inspired lately and haven't been doing much writing as you can imagine. Tonight when I saw my friend Kris Kristofferson walk onstage I thought, if that old outlaw can walk onto a stage after his rough an tumble life, I've no doubt that Ms. Stephanie will be getting back on that Harley as soon as she gets outta that hospital.

So, thanks for reading this. I know you probably expected something a little more thoughtful and insightful but I've found that sometimes you've got to clear the pipes out before you can let things flow freely... I'm just doing some pipe clearing.

Thank you to our Vets and those serving right now. All over this big old dangerous world. You allow us to do whatever we want to do because you are willing to stand in sand! Thank you.

I found this little saying on my friend Jerry's facebook website today, I didn't write it I don't know who did but I thought it was pretty fitting given the situation.

Move . . . dance . . . play . . . sing. As the butterfly moves its wings . . . so must you.


Thursday, October 8, 2009

Press Release from Wendell Barcelona

Folks - Wendell asked me to post his Press Release onto my website as apparently his is down for maintenence at this time. I asked him if it was maintenence on his wallet! He said he needed to get this press release out to the public as soon as possible so I'm allowing him to utilize my highly read forum. Thanks for understanding, we'll talk soon - Buford.

Los Angeles California, October 28th, 2009 / Wendell Barcelona Press Release

Waverly Iowa considered as potential home for Legendary Hollywood Film Star!

An open Press Release to the citizens of Waverly, Iowa

From the desk of Wendell Barcelona,

Hollywood California.

Waverly, thanks for letting us drop in!

While many of you slept you may not even known that you were visited by an Academy Nominated Hollywood Film Star. Two Thursdays back my client, his personal trainer, along with a bodyguard, and myself were in your lovely burg scouting out locations for an independent film that my client is not only being credited for co-writing, is also co-producing. My client had heard your Ashton Kutcher a few years back on one of the talk shows discussing Iowa in great detail and when this project came to light he said “Wendell, we’re going to Iowa” I admit, I had to look upon Google to find your state. I’m glad I did!

We spent Thursday driving gravel roads looking for an abandoned farm house that more than likely will have to be torn down and rebuilt. We stopped into a small café in a city called Plainfield. (love that name Plain Field So free of any illusions of grandeur which clutter up the names of other cities. If you choose to live in a Plain Field, you simply cannot have high expectations…wonderful!)

After having a lunch so life-like, there were actual farmers with red caps who smelled like farm animals, our group departed toward the city and looked forward to spending a night at the luxurious Red Fox Inn. We showered and after trying unsuccessfully to land a masseuse to come to our suites we gave up and headed “Downtown.” Your city was alive! We drove past your film matinee where people were actually standing in line! Unheard of in LA! We ate deep fried foods at a tavern named “the Goat” and we relaxed along the riverfront and watched people openly trying to catch fish while not one homeless person approached us for money! My client was floored. He turned to me and said “Wendell, I need to experience a rebirth of life here”

A little background. Over the last several years my client has become a bit disillusioned with the film industry in LA. He is accustomed to securing 15 to 20 million per picture but over the last few years the film industry has changed to no up-front, back-end only contracts. I realize I’m throwing a lot of big city industry film terms around but bear with me. My client recently had a 4 picture development deal that went Detroit (died) He had invested almost 2 years of his life traveling between Dubai meeting with the investors and LA to meet with producers. After the deal was put to rest he took a hiatus and has been reading scripts and looking for something small in which he can get back to his roots. (His roots are born and raised in Venice Beach but he wanted to feel something real, dirt!) He has purchased a screenplay, changed some of the locations from a tropical film location to a rural scenic destination. That is why we’re in Iowa. How did we land in Waverly Iowa you ask? Simple! You won the lottery when a dart, tossed by my client, hit the tiny town of Clarksville. The logical “city” was Greene (which has a much smaller population than appears on the map) after flying into Mason City; the limo driver stated “Waverly is the next Palm Springs.” We drove straight from Greene Iowa to Waverly Iowa and here we are. You should feel very fortunate at the luck of the dart Waverly; it could have just as easily struck an Ottumwa or Decorah.

My client not only fell in love with the land but became enamored of Waverly. He understands that Ashton Kutcher ran from the fields of Iowa like a Coyote running out of the hills of a southern California wildfire but my client so loved our Thursday venture that he has decided he wants to live in your city Waverly permanently!

He has retained me to write an open press release to your newspaper and other media. He wanted the citizens of Waverly to be informed of your wonderful luck before it leaks into the trades or on TMZ. My client wants to stress that he is just a regular guy. He understands you’ll want to approach him on the streets and in the restaurants. (A Mrs. Ackerman asked for his autograph at the Dairy Queen but we were not really bothered) He will hold a news conference in your city at a future date before the move and of course will allow a one time public viewing of his private residences and offices once those are completed.

He is looking at a potential move date of October of 2013. This should allow your economic development group plenty of time to consider some of the suggestions that my client has requested your city provides in order for him (and yourselves) to acclimate to living in the Midwest.

The very first thing we noticed upon retiring to the Red Fox Inn and preparing for our evening out were a legitimate lack of starlets. My client, currently single, would require a rather large dating pool of available females. Being in his late forties to early sixties his dating pool can include physically fit, blond starlet types between 23 and 34 years of age. We realize there are no actual starlets in Waverly but perhaps several could acquire the look. “Heroin thin”, blond, enhanced. My client would be willing to provide all funding for nutritionist, Pilates instructors and a doctor who is able to provide any medications and/or surgeries required to help these women achieve his desired results. We are asking the city provide an environment able to sustain a pool of 18 to 25 young women to be available at anytime to date my client. Single moms and farmer’s wives would be considered. (We were at the Applebees? and two young mothers of about 24 climbed down out of their large pickup truck both wearing coveralls and boots over the top of them. My client could tell underneath their feed caps that there may be potential in these farm wives. They were so brazen and fearless being in public in coveralls…Raw bold beauty.)

My client will require adequate housing and office space. He has put his 25,000 square foot home in Hollywood on the market and would require similar accommodations. He visited a couple of homes in Gateway which he considered purchasing and combining but then decided he would help out Waverly by putting up some of his own money and stimulating economic development as a showing of wanting to become a regular Waverly citizen.

My client has retained the Radishire Architectural Group from Australia and has delivered a vision to them of what he needs to feel fulfilled in. The Radishire Group is working on plans as of this writing. I cannot divulge all details but here is a “sneak preview” of what he intends to build. Your downtown skyline could be enhanced with an 11 story all glass building. My client will occupy an 18,000 square foot luxury condominium on the top floor, 10th floor for production studio. 9th floor would be available for any visiting friends, family and extended stay for his ex-wife/business partner whom he maintains a cordial relationship. The other 8 floors would be city owned. My client could provide initial capital to begin the project and of course would purchase the top three floors. The city would be required to fill the remainder 8 floors in exchange for partial ownership in the building and of course share in the taxes generated from it.

My client currently has a glorious expansive ocean view. We are not sure how this works but would be forever grateful if the city could create a small 500 acre lake for water front property. He would love to be able to look out of his windows in the morning as he does his yoga and align his chi with water. Something similar to what the city of Chicago offers. (This is not a deal breaker he finds your “ocean of corn” quite appealing at this time. Perhaps the Waverly ocean could be a 3 to 5 year project. When we viewed some of the flood images on Google however, he did remark, “It’s a shame the waters went away completely, some if it provided a lovely city lake”

I’m sorry Waverly but this next suggestion is a little embarrassing for you. My client realizes you’ve been dealing with floods and tornados over the last few years but you’ve got to pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and continue to be progressive! Your city is appallingly lacking a Rolls Royce or Bentley dealership – Frankly your inventory of Buicks and Fords is… well…Boring. You may not be aware of this but did you know that California has completely different models of Fords and Buicks than your dealerships are offering you? Have you even heard of the Buick Opulence? While not a deal breaker, a Rolls or Bentley dealership would be ideal. We needed a luxury vehicle last Thursday, stopped in to purchase one, and while talking to a sales person at the Chevrolet dealership, he did think it would be possible to take on a line of perhaps something like Land Rover. Chicago is simply too far away to have to drive to rent a Ferrari for the weekend. Consider this Waverly. You cannot really call yourself a city without a high end luxury automobile dealership.

Finally, my client has an eclectic collection of friends who could be bringing in incredible amounts of money but would also need an extremely large hotel built to accommodate them and their entourages. Hollywood people travel in large groups and stay for extended periods. Your hotel should have no problem keeping rooms booked for periods of 3 to 4 months to an entourage of 70 to 80 people. My client’s celebrity golf tournament which raises money for children with cleft palates has 50 celebrities who participate. That brings close to 6000 people on opening day just from their entourages and handlers. While we plan to continue that tournament at the Beverly Hills Golf and Country Club at this time, down the road James Wood and Stuart Copeland (of the rock band the Police) might get a real kick out of playing a couple of rounds in Waverly Iowa. (I can’t promise due to contractual details)

My client realizes these request make him sound like he is a demanding sort. Just the opposite! He feels these are all amenities that locals could (and would) enjoy. He says that once situated he may even get a kick out of being your Mayor for a few years. His friend Mr. Eastwood reigned in Carmel for a while and it was a hoot. My client feels we could negotiate with your city promotions board and come to terms for him to be adequately compensated for the international exposure provided to Waverly in exchange for him reigning as Mayor.

Things we loved about Waverly!

Your tiny airport cute and homey in its cornfield surroundings would be adequate for 14 to 16 Lear Jets landing and taking off. (Please for the love of God is there a limousine service in Waverly? He’ll require daily rental)

Your traffic light obedience policies are funny. The lights turn yellow and people actually stop before the light turns red. We sat by the river and watched people do that for 2 hours. We laughed so hard I thought my client’s personal trainer was going to pass out.

You seem to have delicious water. He’ll still drink imported bottled water but he won’t have to shower in it.

There you have it Waverly. We’ll keep you updated as the potential move and film production comes closer. Due to contractual obligations and privacy policy I am unable to name my client at this time. If you run into Mrs. Ackerman she may spill the beans as she shows you her newly prized “Go Hawk” T-shirt (with the “chocolate fudge likeness of Mickey Mouse” stain)

We look forward to another potential visit in early spring. Enjoy your fall (we hear “the leaves are beautiful” that is so funny!)

Wendell Barcelona

Wendell Barcelona and Associates
WB&A Media Inc.
The WB Group of Affiliated Artists
WB Productions
A Wendell Barcelona Company
Barcelona Events
Hollywood California.
2000091 Avenue of the Stars
Suite 2940B2Los Angeles, CA 90067t: 421.288.2000 f: 421.288.2980

Thursday, September 3, 2009

In Action

Buford checking in. Took some time off over the summer to get the house painted. Got the lower 5 feet done. Due to this Vertigo a little afraid to get on the ladder. Saw the Sturgis festival in South Dakota with Wendell. Cute! Real family oriented, kind of like a carnival. Miss the real days of sturgis back in the 70's. Got a few notations down and a few things have been driving me buggy lately so with the weather getting cold and a warm chair lookin inviting guess I'll get back to hammering out some thoughts.

Big news been contacted by a publisher who saw Ol' Bufords website here and we've been workin on my Memoirs (what I can remember of them anyway) and a compilation of some of my past books! Gonna get a book published and out there hopefully by May or June of 10. If I'm still above ground at that point.

Enjoy the summer and see you this fall.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I've got Time for a Memorial Day Memory

When I shut off the TV tonight I realized my gosh I've lost a lot of time to reruns. Time goes by so fast and I've spent hours watching the same shows, reading the same books, listening to the same songs and visiting the same places.

No one can say that time steals your youth. You choose to give time your youth. I chose to give Hollywood a few hours of my day so they can sell me their ideas and toothpaste. I chose to give that bartender 5 more bucks for a "couple more" thereby giving away the rest of the night. I chose to give that doctor my time when he told me I should relax for a few weeks which turned into months. I chose to give mother nature my time when she said "people at your age shouldn't be doing that any longer." I chose to give my ideas a rest when they said "You ain't no longer relevant."

I should have given time more time when I tried to fit it all in during the first 40 years. I should have given my time to the kids who could have learned some of the history I've lived. I should have given my time to more young adults who could have maybe avoided some of the painfulness of growing pains. I should have given more time to the Lord. He's gonna be staring me in the eye one of these days and saying "Well Buford?"

And, I should have given more of my time to those Veterans of ours laying in beds who I know would give anything in the world to have the time that I've given away. I've got a good feeling they'd done a lot more with it.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Wendell's Eternal Tunes

So Wendell's been coming by for almost 11 years checkin on me. I had to put an ad in the paper back then when I had a case of gout on my left heel and whipping up my daily egg requirements became a little more laborious than I could handle. I'm all better since the last 10 years but just like a stray cat. You feed Wendell and Wendell hangs around.

Wendell comes by most days after his motor paper route and we have some sandwiches and he usually enjoys a couple of beers before he moves onto his next pursuit.

Over the last 11 years I've seen Wendell get involved in every kind of get rich scheme, fast buck ideas, multi-level marketing, at home parties, friends business ventures. You name it almost every week Wendell's got something cooking. I give him credit he pursues with passion. When he gets hot on something he is one hundred percent behind it. I drank more of that damn acai juice at 38 bucks a bottle than what I can remember. I have had my water filtered cleaner than any imported from Sweden. I've eaten more pills than Carter could make. I have been cleansed in places that no man should put a tube, I've had fat oozing out of pores, I've been yogasized and have discovered abs in 3 minutes. So you can imagine my hesitance when Wendell came over and said "Buford, I need an advance of 160 bucks. I got a new idea that we both can retire on!" I reminded Wendell that Ol' Buf is retired and settin OK at this point. Sure, I'd like to visit Egg Harbor up in Wisconsin and see one more of those fish boils before I leave but other than that I'm good.

I said "What do you need 160 bucks for?" Wendell gets a big ol grin, leans his head waaaay back and is looking up at my ceiling. He spreads his arms wide and says "Buford, for Eternal Tunes!" I swear I thought I heard Angels sing and the skys parted.

I said "what in the heck are Eternal Tunes?" Wendell still looking all starry eyed says "Buford, you know how I love Skynard don'tcha?" He said "I got to thinking last night when I was listening to the Street Survivor cassette that I have listened to this particular album over 14,000 times since it came out in 1976. It is the album I listen to every single morning while I'm showering and I've not missed a day in 33 years" He went on "I don't know what I'm going to do without hearing ""What's your name"" when the good Lord takes me from here?" I could see what was brewing in that huge head of his.

He went on with his pitch which had obviously been fermenting under that skin dome of his. Wendell says "I thought what better opportunity with today's modern technology to just take it with you!" he went on "just then it hit me, here is a business primed and ready to go" "Take your tunes with you for eternity." "I plan on loading up my ipod with all my favorite albums, just before they lower me under, I'll have the Rev hit play and I'm good to go." "Throw in some extra batteries and I'm listening to ""Honky Tonk Night Time Man"" all the way through the pearly gates."

So, Wendell and I popped open a couple of Millers and I had to admit. That does sound like a very good idea. According to the K-mart ad an Ipod runs you about $130 bucks, load it up with some tunes, pop those ear phones onto my ears and I've got sweet Connie Francis ushering me up to meet St. Peter.

Wendell says "I'll start running some ads and with your public speaking gigs at those Rotary clubs, you've got a group of baby boomers who love their Chubby Checker and let's face it with 100 million Baby Boomers entering the retirement category in the next few years, I figure there's enough to keep us busy and staring at the ocean down to Florida." "Florida by the way" he said, "would be a target rich environment"

So Wendell may have finally landed the big one. I like it. Eternal Tunes. Gotta start putting my songs on a yellow pad. Wendell says he's gonna trademark it right after I give him the 160 bucks to buy the first ipod and a few songs "for marketing purposes" I've been looking at getting back into the celebrity endorsement gig and with that Tiger Woods gettin Buick all tied up, I'm thinking Eternal Tunes may be the gig for Ol' Buford. I gotta lock Wendell into a contract before old Wilford Brimley or Tom Bosley comes knockin, he was a force with those Glad trash bags!

Wendell if you get this on your phone, bring some paper, we need to draw a little something up!

Right now though I've gotta get these 22 Nutri-yum-vites down. I'm going to relax this afternoon with some of these $23 Aromatherapy Candles and rub some of that Forever Young Gel on my face. At 87 bucks a bottle ya gotta keep on the regimen.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Buford's Sunday night.

Sunday night I was sitting on my front porch enjoying a visit with my friends Jack Daniels and Arturo Fuentes. Sundays are usually the night of the week that Ol' Buford gets to spend some quality time alone with my thoughts. Wendell is usually attending one of his get rich quick group meetings and it is the only night that Dan doesn't try to cram green tea and shitaki mushrooms down my throat. The penguin trucks have just started to roll in across the street but haven't been here long enough to have the entire northeast section of Des Moines all smelled up. All in all a good night. About 9:30, the phone rings and it's Sandy Torgelston. She says her juicer is on the fritz and if Walli doesn't get his fresh squeezed carrot/plum/onion juice in the morning there is going to be hell to pay. I told her that I would be happy to take a look at it but Gabes Wholesale Parts was closed and if it needs any extensive repairs we would be up a creek. She said she understood and could always stop by the Hy-vee and pick up some prune juice for one day.

About 10:00 Sandy pulls up the drive and gives the horn a little honk. I wave at her from the porch and she takes a good ten minutes to get outta the car. She finally gets out, walks around to the trunk, opens that and pulls out a box. As she's walking up the steps she says "Hey Buford, where should I put this?" I said "we'll look at it in a bit." "Have a seat and enjoy some city night." I said "I'm visiting with Mr. Jack Daniels would you like a visit too?" She laughs and said "God no, Walli would shoot me if he knew I was drinking like the old days with Buford Picklebery" She says "I better not have any Jack.... Make me a double vodka with orange juice please." This ol girl has always made me laugh and feel a little lighter every time I see her.

I get her drink, she's sitting in the rockin chair next to mine and we just each sit for a moment enjoying the night. "tough luck that ol juicer breaking on a Sunday night" I say. "yeah tough luck" She went on "I don't know, might be OK, may have just been the outlet I was plugging it into." I laughed a bit. We sat another 10 minutes not saying a word. Just listening to the dogs barking and the trucks howling over on 80. Suddenly Sandy blurts out. "Buford, I don't know what the hell is wrong with Walli anymore?" "He doesn't do nothing since he retired" "his life is rotated between the bed and the tv couch and the bed." "He's living his life in 8 hour segments of sleep, Maury Povich and sleep."

Now ol' Walli never did set the world on fire. I've known him and Sandy for probably 40 years. Walli was a mail carrier for 28 years and retired about four years ago, maybe five already. I think the only thing he substituted from his old life into the retired life was to replace Des Moines postal route 37 gossip with ABC 5 Maury Povich gossip. I think the rest remained the same. Sleep, mail, sleep rotation. He provided a safe life for his family and that was his sole goal in life.

Sandy retired a school teacher and I first met her way back in 62'. I was asked by a judge to give a talk to some school kids on the dangers of the Devil's Lettuce. A little leftover request from the days of running with the Basillicians outta Dyersville. Sandy and I got along famously and enjoyed a couple of drinks after her class that day and have been friends ever since. Sandy and Walli had just started hitting the town together at the time so her and I have been nothing but friends for all these years.

She said, "I don't know Buford, I shoulda hopped onto the back of that panhead with you in 1962 and never looked back." " She kind of chuckled and I saw her steal a glance my way and look away in the same motion. She had a very far away look on her face and just the slightest tear slowly inched down her left cheek. She never even moved to stop it. We sat listening to the penned up penguins squawking across the road and I obliged her request for another drink. I said "you know, those damn penguins they got penned up across the street are all just waiting to die." I said "They run around, half fly, squawk and poop all day and never get anywhere." I said "But, every now and then one of em gets out, I see em streakin across my lawn or out in that field and we never see em again." "I don't know where they go but I do know they are probably loving their freedom even if they are stuck here in the middle of Iowa, miles from where they thought they would ever be." "Heck, when they take off outta that pen they probably have no idea where they're going either." "They probably miss some of their buddies but not enough to go back to em!" Sandy didn't reply.

We sat a long long time without saying a word and I finally said "we should look at that juicer." She kind of whispered more to herself than to me, "let it go for tonight, he can drink some prune juice" "Let's just sit here awhile" We sat and listened to the night. I was thinking about 1962 and a beautiful bright eyed school teacher named Ms. Sandy Brooks and some of life's wasted opportunities. I'm not sure what she was thinking but at one point she had reached over and lightly rested her left arm on my right arm. We sat gently connected. We listened and watched and didn't say another word.

I'm sure she'll come by and pick up that juicer some day. I've not even tried to plug it in.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Internets Planned Blog Deletion

So, I woke up and was reading one of my favorite trusted news blogs and I came across a little tidbit that is quietly passing under the radar. It was carefully planned for release on a Sunday when they knew the nation would be tuned in to the Farrah Fawcett story and not paying attention to the news.

I quickly put on my "Investigative Reporter hat" and dug out the old newshound skills I used to have when I was night news editor for the Wabasha Herald back in the late 60's. I thought my readers might find my report interesting.

Dateline May 17.
Pickleberry Press:
Buford M. Pickleberry.

The Mayor's Council on Internet Blog Waste and Managment will begin deleting and eliminating all weblogs that have not been updated in the last 30 days.

"The internet is filling up too quickly causing congestion and traffic issues for everyone from major corporations to the single family home in rural Idaho." Says a spokesperson for the group.

A new group has been appointed by the Mayor's office to begin monitoring the internet for non-updated blogs. The new task force group will begin first with those blogs that contain too many photos of people standing in front of large mountains and ocean views. From there the group will elimate duplicate photos of young women at nightclubs holding onto each other. "Often a blog will contain multiple photos of the same female with the same friends with the only difference being the young women will be standing in a different pose in another photograph."

These "girls night out" photos take up enormous amounts of the internets storage capabilities and really are "All the same" states the spokesperson. "You gather up 3 blonds and a brunette, you put them all in sheer blouses and tight blue jeans." "Put a large drink in each of their hands and you've got the exact same photos duplicated millions of times across thousands of blogs." "Simply too much storage space is being wasted and no one has time to look at them or comment on them anyway" the spokesperson went on to say.

The same holds true for guys on motorcycles, extreme closeups of flowers and skylines. From there the group will process and eliminate those blogs that have any references to Paris Hilton and/or Wine. The ad-hoc group has deemed there is enough information available in the traditional media that the internet does not have to be "Blogged" down with this information. a spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous said "there is simply too much boring info out there. We are tired of reading about how a person's cat did the funniest thing and the 30 to 40 comments that follow it" There are way more important things that need to be routed and speeded through the internet without having to stop at an internet red light while the cat information passes through."

Commentators on the internet's most popular blog group have been in an uproar over this and are planning a "Peaceful ""Blogtest"" demonstration" for lack of a more creative name. Thousands of blogger commentators have joined up and have created a new centralized blog for the blog protest and have been contributing thousands of new comments. One blogger wrote a very heartfelt and philosophical post when he said "that freaking sucks" "it does" said Fred82222. "I agree" said motherof2" "me too" said wonderman99001 All of the over 2000 comments reflected the same thoughts. The Blogtest group has decided to quietly enroll hundreds of thousands and will create an online petition which will be sent to the Presidents office on "Blog Friday"

Several Blog Friday demonstrations are planned across the internet. There is a new facebook page created by weblogger "Steve Altergo" for this group of Blog testors to join to show their opposition to this new development. Quotes Mr. Altergo. "The internet cannot do this to me. I've spent almost every waking hour over the last 4 years chronicling my day to day life." Mr. Altergo's blog is cleverly entitled the thoughts and musings of Steve." "Over the last 4 years I have accumulated 11 readers who stop by "little corner of the internet" to read my stuff. I've had over 829 hits in the last 4 years. I am making a difference.

"Blog Friday" is planned for an upcoming friday to be determined once Mr. Altergo's" Facebook page has hit enough friends to fill out the petition.

The Blogtest group said it realizes that millions of pages of webbloggers thoughts and musings could be lost forever before they can band fast enough but to quote Mr. Altergo from his webblog "We will win the battle, if not the war" "That doesn't seem to be the right quote" said hippy2269. "I am pretty sure it is" replied Mr. Altergo. "Go freaking to hell" said 4HRErctshunman and the comments continued in regard to whether the quote was in fact correct.

I'll continue to monitor the situation and report on it as need arises. I've got my ear to the ground and I follow a lot of blogs that are frequently updated so they must be correct. - I've gotta go now, it's Sunday and that means ribeye and sweet potatos! - Buford.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Waitin on Wendell Again

I made sandwiches so don't worry about food. Ready to roll.

I'm waiting on Wendell. It's going to be a nice day here in the greater Des Moines area and I decided I would ride along today with Wendell on his newspaper motor route. Wendell delivers the morning newspaper and also has developed a fine network of "side delivery" jobs that he combines for additional income. Never mind that the paper is the "morning" paper and is supposed to be on your doorstep no later than 7 a.m. Here it is 7:45 and Wendell is still eating his pancakes at the Urbandale cafe I'm assuming. He somehow gets my website on his telephone so he knows I'm waiting on him here.

We'll cover about 300 miles today. We take off north of town, take a gravel just outside of Ankeny and we're in rural Iowa! From there he's got about 200 stops along the way. This day is usually interesting. I sit in the back seat with the newspapers because big dude has his K-car configurated to be able to drive on the right side of the vehicle so he can roll up to the mailbox and put the paper into box without having to get out of the car. I go along for those stops where he does have to get out of the car. It's kinda like watchin an airline pilot. 3 hours of riding accompanied by short bursts of terror. We'll be riding up the road and Wendell will spot a mailbox thats been tipped over or practically layin on its side. He'll start to whine 1/2 a mile away. Cursing and cussin he begins to incrementally shift that big ol belly of his inches at a time to start to prepare for his exit. His car is set up for his optimal comfort and performance sort of the way Dale Jr's car is molded to his body for top performance. Wendell's usual driving mode is his he sits with his right shoulder leaning on the passenger door. His head is partially out the window. He left leg is extended all the way across the car and he operates both the gas and brakes with that one leg. He steers the car with his left arm and his body is turned that he is able to reach his left arm back where he has built a wood shelf in the backseat where he piles up the newspapers. He grabs onto a newspaper, kind of contorts his body in a 1/2 corkscrew and with one well-practiced fluid motion he semi-tosses the newspaper into the mailbox. After the paper hits its mark he turns back toward the road and exhales "Jesus". He rams the gas and we're onto the next stop.

It is pure poetry to watch. It is practically a pilates workout and you would think that with all of this exercising every day Ol' Wendell would be fit and trim as a board. Not even close. He fuels his body for the trip with about 70000 calories. We're talking boxes of cheez-its, 12 pack of pepsi, 12 pack of mountain dew, he's downing sleeves of Oreos and washing it back drinking straight outta the gallon jug of milk. 10 to 12 little debbie and the of course along the way the widows are always leaving him plates of food. Cookies, cakes, breads. I've yet to see one plate make it home. He feels it's his obligation to eat the entire plate of cookin before he gets home. We'll stop somewhere around noon usually at Madrid at a cafe for lunch and then we'll hit the road for the remainder of the papers. It is pure poetry in motion watchin this man work and hearing his grunting, moaning, exhaling, gas releasing, sighing, swearing, laughing for 300 miles of gravel roads. All along the way he's commenting on the daily news and he's got that Maxwell and Polly and that oldies station KIOA outta Des Moines blasting. Usually we'll have a flat tire due to all of the nails and stuff on the gravel roads and that is a joy. He carries 3 or 4 spares and that will cause a setback of about a 1/2 hour to get that changed. He actually is pretty good at getting

OK, he's here. We'll hit the road. He's honkin the horn. I see ya dude! Hold on, I been waitin on you for 45 minutes. Gotta use the bath and I'll be out.

Over and out - Buford.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Hey Wendell

Ya dufus. Did you think Jay Leno was really gonna show your belly tattoo? I never even sent him your picture. got you again dude! You can go to bed now.

Bring your vacuum cleaner over here tomorrow. I got mine all tore apart and sittin on the kitchen table in parts. Needed a good overhaul and these arth meds are keeping me wide awake! Get over here early. I want to get the shopping done early sposed to rain. - Buford.

Life imitating Buford! Buford dethroned!

So today the very lovely and I'm assuming talented Miss California Carrie Prejean will learn her fate from Mr. Donald Trump whether or now she will be allowed to keep her crown and the illustrious title of Miss California and all of the duties associated with the title. Those being grocery store openin's and at least two singings of the national anthem one at a major sporting event such as Nascar Talladega and the other usually at the crown's former high school homecoming basketball game. The rest of the reign is usually spent persuing the cause, Ms. Prejean's being world peace. We'll see how far she gets with that in a year.

Well Ol' Bufords worn the pants and traveled the road Ms. Carrie is currently piloting on. You may find this hard to believe nowadays but back in 1976 I was in my wildcattin' days and Ol' Buford was considered a bit of a catch at least by Ol' Buford. The town I was living in, Allison was celebrating its Quasquicentennial of 125 years as a burg and the 700 residents of Allison were ready for a shindig! Included in the celebratation was a beard growing contest. Now by default, I grow more hair from every pore on my body than most men do trying with all of their might but to make it a fair contest I turned down the testosterone and participated fairly.

The contest was over a 3 month period to climax with the official judging at the Hog Roast on Friday night right after Billy Sinclair and the Sidesteppers finished up their second set. Life went on per usual over the 3 months and the big day finally arrived. They lined us 15 bearded gents up on the stage and had Ms. Allison 1976 Helen Debnerski accompany the other 3 judges.

One of those judges Harley Wilmot and myself never did see quite eye to eye and I thought that may have put me at a disadvantage. Ol Harley ran the insurance company, the grain elevator and owned the newspaper the Wilmot Reader. To say he was the town BIG shot is an understatement. Nothing happened in Allison without the stamp of approval from Harley Wilmot. Today in Allison you'll see the Wilmot Hotel, the Wilmot Community Center. Folks fish at Wilmot Park. Eat their dinners at Wilmot Steak and Shake and can live in the Wilmot retirement village. So Harley was one of the judges along with Miss Allison and two other fellas I cannot remember.

The judging gets underway and they are looking for the usual criteria of all good beard contests, length, fullness and overall appeal. When the final selections were done and all of the votes had been cast, Harley accompanied by Ms. Helen, stops in front of Buford and proclaims to the crowd. "Ladies and Gentlemen, your Allison Iowa Quasquicentennial Bearded Ammbassador for 1976 is Mr. Buford M. Pickleberry. I step forward, shake hands with Harley and get a nice kiss from Miss Allison. I thank the crowd, I tell them it is truly an honor and I will will do my very best to represent the city of Allison by proceeding with all of my duties with Honor and Integrity and I promise to mow my lawn more than once a month.

I invited everyone to join me in the Amvet's beer tent where everyone could feel free to honor me by buying me several beers. We made our way over the tent. Miss Allison telling me she'd be honored to join me in the first round and maybe a second. Miss Allison was a delightful young lady of 29 and freshly divorced. In a small town of 700 people of course every single activity of the singles in town is closely monitored and then scrutinized over several coffees the next day at the cafe. The rumors were swirling just exactly how Ms. Debnerski had "earned" the Miss Allison crown but that is another story. I found her to be delightful.

The festivities of the evening included a lot of dancing, drinking, eating hog and may or may not have ended up with some skinny dipping at the pond before a final round in the Pickleberry garage, or as I called it back then Pickleberry after-party Port.

The weekend continued with Ol' Buford performing my duties as the official Bearded Ambassador. I had the first turn of the spatula at the Boy Scouts Pancake feed. I dropped the green flag at the bed races down main street. Saturday night I sang the opening number at the street dance. The party again continued well into Sunday morning at the Pickleberry after-party Port with several of Allison's "outlaws and inlaws"

Sunday morning I was a tired ammbassador and carrying a wee-bit of a headache. Well knowing the best cure for the Sunday morning headache and knowing my last official duty was to deliver the opening prayer for the citywide non denominational church service at 10:00 I decided I better get Ol' Buford's head straight. I delivered a stirring prayer the left the men sobbing and the widows giddy as they say. The Allison Quasquicentennial celebration wound down with the annual firemen's waterball fight and hog roast and at 5:00 Sunday afternoon we wrapped up 125 years of pent up celebration with a free watermelon feed at the courthouse square. Of course there were a few hardy souls and soulettes that wrapped up a little later with one more evening at the Pickleberry after-party Port.

I woke up Monday morning and went outside breathed in the air still loaded with smoked pork and at my feet was the Monday morning Wilmot Reader. There lying open for the world to see was a 3 inch all caps headline reading "AMBASSADOR DISASTER" Pickleberry should be punted!"

Of course I became flabbergasted. What in the world could this mean? What was the disaster I had inflicted upon the city? I immediately brought the paper in the house. Put it on the stand next to my reading chair. I cooked up a batch of eggs and some of that left over BBQ pork and had a glass of orange juice. I went to do my morning constitutional, took a shower, drove down to Earl's to get my tires rotated, picked up some corn syrup at the B&B mart and stopped in and got the mail at the post office. When I got home I went straight to the paper. I opened it up and there splashed on page one was a picture Rev. Monstedt and Father Stevens at the non-demoninational prayer service and way in the background getting ready to deliver the opening prayer was one Buford M. Pickleberry taking a nip out of what plainly could be seen as a pocket flask. At a church service! Even if it was outdoors at the city park it still was a church service!!!

That photo also was accompanied by a rather lengthy articler personally written by Ol Harley Wilmot himself detailing out the entire "Pickleberry weekend" It included everything from the after-party lawn dart incident, to the community skinny dip, to even a chronicle of an alleged late night visit by Miss Allison to the Pickleberry homestead that were NOT part of her official duties. Apparently there was a spy in the midst!

Well the tongues were waggin, the cafe was crowded and the Ambassador Disaster was the talk of the city. At 12 Noon in his usual ceremonious fashion Harley Wilmot rolls his Ford truck into Ol' Buford's drive, walks up to my door with a smirk on his face and says. Pickleberry you are undeserving of the Bearded Ammbassador and I demand the button back. I informed him he could have the title back. That I had somewhere along the line lost the button when the little pin broke and that realistically beyond yesterday I guess I was unsure that there were any additional future duties anyway? He left feeling vindicated, I left feeling some gas pains from the cinnamon roll at the cafe and in my opinion the town was left with a little less freedom. It was only years later did I come to find out that the lovely Miss Allison 1976 Helen Debnerski was actually a result of an "every Thursday afternoon tryst" of Ol Harley Wilmot and Mrs. Sallie Faithas who, along with her husband, ran the implement dealership in town. Ms. Debnerski's frequent visits to Buford were more than Harley could take. Thus, the humilitation and character assasination attempt on Ol Buford.

Well, my advice to Ms. Carrie Prejean is hold on for the ride. I think you'll be surprised at the opportunities that all of the publicity will be bringing you. I know it will open a lot of doors for you. Let me say that the "publicity" Mr. Wilmot provided to Ol' Buford back in 1976 led to more open doors than I could handle. I had no idea that town had so much "pent up energy" but the publicity sure expanded Buford's social life!

Good luck kid! I'm sure it will end up great for you. Gotta go. Someone's knockin on my door!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Newsflash to Wendell

I'm waiting right at the front window. I've got my bloodwork this morning at 8:00 remember? I've tried calling your telephone but wait, it is right here sitting on that thing you said you were taking home with you last night. I about broke my neck tripping over it getting up this morning. You are not watching TV at my house until all hours of the morning! Quit playin on the web and get here.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Pickleberry Turkey Neck Recipe

So every year the on May Day we Pickleberrys have had a long standing tradition of cleaning out the cave and enjoying a family celebratory Turkey neck feed. The cold cave was a deep damp hole dug just off of the house that we used to store all of our canned and pickled goods throughout the year. It was 12 foot deep with a step ladder system and made of rock walls lined with wooden shelves. It was alway wet, smelled of musty moldy earthworms and housed some of the largest spiders seen on earth.

About May first all of the Momma Pickleberrys would clean out all of the stuff we didn't get ate up throughout the winters. These were some of the best days of eatin that we would have all year! For almost 2 weeks every day was a culinary feast of the senses unlike any we would experience during the long winters.

All of the Pickleberry kin and cousins would gorge on pickled hog tongues that must have been missed at Easter. We would stuff ourselves with candied goat tail that had spent a year lazily soaking up the brine of red onions. Momma Pickleberry would warn her brood about the impending stomach pains of consuming more than 2 or 3 vinegar soaked goose eggs at one sitting but we couldn't help ourselves. We would each grab one of those huge glass jars and always slide our hands to the bottom first and pull up the biggest slimiest gray egg that had been laying at the bottom of the jar for over a year! Our arms would be soaked with greasy slimy vinegar brine and our shirts would stay smelling like that for day but it was nothing for us to finish off 15 to 18 eggs at a sitting and still have room for a pound of extremely pungent but nicely aged horse milk cheese.

To say that we Pickleberrys left no part of the animal go to waste is an extreme understatement. If it was on our farm we ate it. We still joke that Wallace Pickleberry (who got into a little trouble and had to be put into the federal witness protection program after a little run in with John Dillinger one evening in Chicago) was actually probably not living a life in Arizona but may simply have been caught up in the Pickleberry spring feeding frenzy. Poppa Pickleberry still claims he remembers eating what he was told was roasted leg of wild boar when he coughed up what he said was two links of a watch band?

Well after two weeks of eating everything from broiled turtle livers to seared goat nuts we Pickleberrys were ready to have a party and start the process of loading up the cave again! That meant Turkey Neck Feed! Turkey necks are usually discarded in the butchering process but in the Pickleberry tradition those are just about the best eating that you can run past your palate. The Pickleberry Turkey Neck feed requires a bit of preparation on the part of the host. Let me forwarn you that not only is the preparation an ode to food, it will become a spiritual journey along the way. You will find yourself tested in ways that you never imagined. You will laugh, you will cry. You will most likely become one with the turkey neck as in almost 90 years of the Turkey Neck feed I've yet to see the preparer come away without bleeding profusely at some point. Don't worry, let it go, nothing heals a wound faster than seeing a large gathering of people consuming with glee the necks of turkeys which you have blood, sweated teared and labored over intensively.

Now, take a deep breath, steady yourself and begin the process. For a celebration of twenty you will need 100 pounds of Turkey necks. You can adjust your recipe accordingly but ONLY use multiples of 5 with the recipe reconstruction or you will experience disasterous results.

Dig a hole in your yard 6 feet deep, 6 feet wide and 12 feet long. The exact depth, width and length are critical in the cyclation of air required during the roasting process. Construct a brick and metal rod labryinth which you must only weld with acetlyne torch and acid free flux. Anything else will taint the meat to a point virtually rendering it inedible except to the elderly. After the brick and metal rod labryinth construction you will line the sides of the hold with birch branches that you cut, at a minimum, 3 years prior and aged in an open air atrium. You of course know that you must have brushed these birch branches daily with a mixture of olive oil and rosemary allowing the branches to be infiltrated by the solution. For the roasting chamber you will need at least 200 pounds of these specially prepared branches so proper pre-planning is essential.

After the 2 hour process of building the cooking pit is completed it is time to begin the neck preparation. You will need 20 large copper kettles. Each guest will require their own kettle. again, remember the multiple of 5 rule. (Adjust your cooking pit in multiples of 5 as well) Caveat: Only adjust up NEVER attempt to make the recipe smaller. The numbers DO NOT work for smaller units. If you do not have family or friends of at least 20 with whom to enjoy the turkey neck feed perhaps I would encourage you to try something that is more fitting of your sad social situation namely ordering a pizza from Pizza Hut.

I think that a well rounded turkey neck preparer and your particular social situation actually go hand in hand . Your status in your city will continue to grow as your own Turkey Neck Feed becomes more of an annual tradition until it eventually becomes placed on the social registries of the white gloved crowd.

Place the 100 pounds of turkey necks onto the hood of your 1976 Buick electra. It is the only car built that is capable of holding the necks in a proper position along with the weight that will be layered upon it. Since it is critical that all 100 pounds of turkey neck are allowed to comingle in order to share the now starting to ooze juices, you will be required to use the 1976 Buick Electra. If you happen to own a farm that contains a corn bin whose metal was manufactured in Evanston Illinois during the late 40s you can use a large portion of that metal for your base as well. (a lower placed panel is recommended but not required) Of course we modern era Pickleberries are mostly resigned to assemble the neck feast on metal. Our forebearing Pickleberries constructed large preparation tables consisting of one piece slabs of highly polished sandstone and mined in Pennsylvania and slowly transported here by prairie wagon over a period of 3 summers time.

Line the necks throat to gut end forming a large circle and expanding out. By the completion you should have a 6 foot circle of turkey neck. DO NOT cover the necks with any gauze or tarp even if tempted. This seemingly fetid circle of poultry will now start to attract every kind of fly, bug, bee, dog, cat and winged critter you can imagine. Each of these creatures of God will be bringing with it (and hopefully depositing) parts of mother nature from all over your county.

This is the taste of your county. This is the only portion that if followed correctly will give your turkey neck a distinct flavor over that prepared in a neigboring state. Even the most un-trained palate will be able to discern the difference your county's critters can leave when compared to those in a different state! Let them pee, poop, spit, buzz, deposit, take. This is mother nature nurturing and a part of the spiritual process that I made mention too earlier in the recipe.

Over the next 14 hours you will let these necks be cradled in the arms of mother nature. You should have begun the hood layering process at 3:30 a.m. as it is critical to have at least 12 hours of 67 degree temperature. (you can go up to 70 degrees but if it is any warmer, toss the entire hood of necks away and order a pizza) If you cannot better estimate when spring arrives in your particular region of the country, again, you may be better off eating pizza. The turkey neck feed is limited to those who treat food preparation as an art form, a way of life, an existence. Any less than that and I will advise you to go ahead, say "extra pepperoni"

In a large 17 gallon stone crock you will now prepare the marinade glaze. Pour in 7 gallons of the darkest wheat beer that you have on your shelves. Use only the beer that you have brewed in your brewhouse which has fermented at least 1 year. Oh sure, others have attempted to use their fresher brew but the results will be much less than satisfactory. Ladle the beer into the crocks a tablespoon at at time. Pouring the beer and splashing will create too much oxygen that will angrily mix with the other ingredients causing a transfer of gasses and leaving you greatly despleasured. Ladeling carefully, while a bit time consuming, allows the beer to rest nicely. Imagine if you have been resting peacefully for over a year only to have some dimwit wake you up brutally and splash you onto a cold stone.

When the beer has been sitting for 3 hours taking in fresh oxygen you begin to add the other ingredients. You will need 11 quarts of honey that you created only from the same bees that have been polinating the clovers in the field where the Buick has been resting. The mixture of metal and clover will create a base that will have your mouth watering the moment the honey mixes with the beer. IF you come from a family that has the bee allergies thus not having access to a working colony such as the Smoots that lived a few miles over, you can substitute local honey for the honey created in the Fiji islands. Only the Fijians are fortunate enough to have access to land that spawns clover in mineral fields with the exact same metal makeup as that found in the 1976 Buick.

You must now boil the beer and honey mix for 6 minutes at 450 degrees. At this time you will be adding 22 carrots, peeled and coarsely chopped, 11 pounds of onions thickly sliced, 200 leeks - white and tender green only halved lengthwise and cleaned, 11 head of garlic halved horizontally, 51 lemon washed and quartered, 2 pounds blanched almonds, 450 tablespoons of chopped flat-leaf parsley (the parsley must be table spooned to avoid bruising) 1 loaf of stale country white bread which you baked 4 days ago, 1 inch thick with crusts trimmed. 1 Bay leaf.

You now begin a 6 hour cycle of boil, cool, boil, cool. It is critical that you bring to a ravaging angry boil that is utterly consuming the added ingredients. When it reaches that point you should do everything in your power to cool it as quickly as possible. Thanks to modern technology you can purchase a frozen nitrogen tank and spray it on the stone crock. As soon as it hits room temperature, fire up the heat hard and bring that SOB to a screaming boil. You want the broth marinade to be so mad that it wants to hurt itself. It is your job however to see that it doesn't.

One missed boil, cool cycle and you might as well chuck it all and drive yourself to a McDonalds. Oh, don't order a burger!!! Apply for a job because if you can't handle a 6 hour boil, cool cycle effectively you might as well join the 16 year olds as a fry chucker. One side note, DO NOT be tempted to assign this monitoring of boil, cool, boil to anyone. It is critical that you, as the feed preparer, personally handle this portion. The broth knows, just keep telling yourself, "the broth knows, the broth knows".

As we are now almost 6 hours into the preparation you should be hearing the sounds of a semi-tractor trailer approaching. This will be the load of hickory shavings that you ordered almost 2 months ago and imported from the hickory forests of Montana. Don't try to sell yourself short with the Idaho Hickory. Yes it is much less expensive but so is a Big Mac. Have some pride if not your own at least for your guests. Also, DO NOT be tempted to have the semi back up the fire pit and simply drop the load in. Much as the broth knows, the hickory must be placed by hand. You will need to place a shovel full, then stamp any air out, place a shovelful and stamp the air out. The hickory must be as tightly packed as possible. Completely fill the entire pit level with the top edge. The pit should be as solid as walking on a slab of granite rock. Once it is packed. light on fire. Toss a match and let it burn. (Do not expect any special burn instructions for crying out loud, we Pickleberrys didn't invent fire. Fire is Fire).

You can assign fire pit monitoring to any of your early arrivals. From your first turkey neck feed forward you will see a pilgrimage of family and friends that often can begin up to 3 weeks prior to the feed. It has not been unheard of for Pickleberry kin to arrive from various parts of the country only to be greeted (and surprised) by a late late winter snowstorm. (Be sure the Hickory Truck delivery person Does Not try to invite himself to the feed, you simply will not have the proper metric to calibrate 1 more)

After several hours the pit will have burned to embers and the brick metal rod altar is ready to accept your offerings. While the embers were burning you have wrapped each turkey neck in semi-moistened freshly picked green tea leaves. You will have tied each individual turkey neck with a fresh egg noodle which you made earlier in the day and left to slowly dry over the clothesline. The egg noodles will slowly burn creating a very tidy nest in which the neck will enjoy being enveloped.

From here the recipe and prepartion task does become a bit more difficult. You should feel free to take a quick break and a breather. You may wish to use this time to pursue a relaxing moment perhaps creating a couple of dozen quick apple pies. (You can multiply all ingredients by whatever number you choose). 9 inch double crust pie 1/2 cup unsalted butter 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour 1/4 cup water 1/2 cup white sugar 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 8 Granny Smith apples - peeled, cored and sliced Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour to form a paste. Add water, white sugar and brown sugar, and bring to a boil. Reduce temperature and let simmer. Place the bottom crust in your pan. Fill with apples, mounded slightly. Cover with a lattice work of crust. Gently pour the sugar and butter liquid over the crust. Pour slowly so that it does not run off. Bake 15 minutes in the preheated oven. Reduce the temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Continue baking for 35 to 45 minutes, until apples are soft.

Your boil cool cycle will now be nearing its 6 hour completion and you will have exactly 4 quarts of liquid after the process. You will carefully but with exacting motion grab a tea-leaf wrapped, noodle-tied turkey neck, un-tie and ladle in 2 tablespoons of our marinade. Shake rather vigorously coating the entire turkey neck and the inside of the tea leaf. Wrap the tea leaf tight again around the turkey neck and tie with a NEW noodle. Place carefully onto the metal grate. Repeat with each individual neck until all 100 pounds have been individually marinated. It is demanded that you work quickly and this marinating process should not last more than 4 hours. Be sure to rotate your grill often as it is critical that you maintain a proper and even cooking temperature. After the last turkey neck has been marinated and re-placed into the fire pit you can finally kick back and relax IF you only want to serve turkey necks to your guests.

I can't get into the proper side dishes that would accompany a turkey neck feed. You will need to do your own research based upon your areas climate and regional seasonal fare. Being from the midwest I've often prepared a very lovely and light Supu to enjoy as an appetizer to whet the appetite. A Supu is a soup made with goat lungs, heart and liver, as well as cow stomach, intestines and tongue. It also contains goat heads, cow hooves and cow tail. Again, these are all readily available here in the midwest. You will have to prepare local appetizers based on regional favorites.

For tonight my friends, let those turkey necks slowly roast. Be sure to turn them every 8 minutes. We want the meats to soak up that marinade and marry itself to the flavors of the tea leaves and hickory. Overnight you will prepare the individual copper pots for each guests. You will need 3 pounds of pork shoulder lard for each pot. 1 pound of sea salt and 3 pounds of pepper will also needed to be added to each vessel. Build 20 fires in the 20 individual fire pits you dug earlier in the day while you were doing the boil, cool cycle. Each pit will contain the fast burning pine chips and a metal grate to hold the copper pots. Place each pot on each fire and allow the pork shoulder lard to slowly liquidize. Stir often with a hickory branch.

Now you can start to see the symmetry of what we are doing here. The essence of the pork, the continuation of the use of the hickory in all phases, the coppers created in the Salt Lake Valley copper mines, the 1976 buick metal hood created from the ores of pennsylvania. The honey from your own clover fields. My friends you are not just cooking up a feed you are creating an experience that will yield you a lifetime of friends.

Rest easily my friends. Let yourself relish the 8 minute cat naps you'll enjoy overnight. Let nature, food, metal, air, and the ghosts of generations of Pickleberrys visit you tonight. Combined these elements will be creating a delicousness usually only reserved for the most discriminating of Pickleberry palates. I know that I won't be around forever and with only Wendell and Dan for "Kin" now is the time to open this secret recipe up to the masses. Enjoy. I'll provide some final preparation tips and serving tips with my next post. Buford.

Friday, May 1, 2009

May Day! Best day of the year!

So May day is a big day in Bufordville. This is the one day I year that I get to enjoy the most sumptuous meal of the year.

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Des Moines. Wendell picked me up so I could go to Veldipucci's on 5th Avenue. My friend of 30 years Anthony Veldipucci runs the best butcher shop in the midwest. From November 30th he cuts and stores every single turkey neck that is usually discarded on custom butcher jobs. Tony saves these up for Ol' Buford specially. It's long been a Pickleberry tradition that May Day is Turkey Neck Day. Started back in the late 30's when Grandma Pickleberry would clean out the cold storage cave to get it ready for summer storage. There would always be a bunch of pickled Turkey necks left and of course us being frugal, we ate the whole bird. We would prepare these remaining necks, invite the entire family over and just have a welcome to spring, turkey neck feed.

So, Wendell picks me up in his K-car and we drove downtown yesterday afternoon. Wendell's conversation mostly consisted of Chrysler having to probably declare bankruptcy and what in the world he was going to do if they went under and he had car issues. I said for Chriss Sakes you fool, We're riding in a 1977 Plymouth Reliant with 600,000 miles on it. Let it go. Wendell has a motor paper route that covers half of Iowa I think.

So I haven't been downtown for most of the winter and we decided to see the Capital. It was so majestic shining in the sun that Wendell decided it would be a perfect opportunity to take his picture for his Christmas card that he sends to his paper customers.

We made it back home with almost 13 pounds of Turkey Necks. I gotta get em prepped up and with Wendell always wantin me to post some of my history, I've decided I will share the Pickleberry family Turkey Neck Recipe with my readers. Stay tuned. I gotta excercise. Those 11 minutes a day on the treadmill don't get walked on their own.

Wendell, bring over that Pig lard you've got in your freezer and a couple of large zip-lock bags. Did we use all of that blood sausage? Call me.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Feeling a little better Thank you!

So, I'm up and around after a rather unfortunate week. My only question I keep asking myself is, "How in the world does a 4 pound block of cheese look SO BIG when it is all wrapped up but when I slice it all up into little blocks I can kill the whole thing in one good televised basketball game?

I've had to stick pretty close to home and let's just say I've been a little owly the last week. Two things I've learned. I am no longer a fan of Cheddar Cheese and I vow to not watch 16 hours of sweet 16 games in a one setting.

Gotta Go... Again.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Buford's Book and Speaking Tour is heading to Southern California!

So, this Red Hat Group speaking tour has taken on a life of its own. As you know I just finished up the 13th edition of my national bestseller for the Red Hat Groups. I've been speaking to Red Hat groups all over the nation and I just got word that Ol' Buford is heading to Sunny Cal-if-forn-I-A. That is right the Real Red Hats of Orange County are flying me in for a luncheon and then a tour of a few winerys of the region. I'll have to do a little reading up and maybe develop a new topic or two.

Most of the times my talks to the midwest Red Hat groups consist of such topics as

"Taking the best care as possible of your blender".
"Don't Mix and Match your Meds"
"How to find an honest car mechanic"
"Should you replace your tires after 11 years and/or 3000 miles"
"Denny's or Village Inn an Ounce per Ounce breakdown of costs per ounce."
"How 11 laps in the mall can burn off two afternoon wine spritzers"

We cover a lot of topics and my seminars usually last a good luncheon hour and followed by those Red Hats that want to continue the discussion in greater depth at a local water hole. Often times Ol' Buford will make the acquaintance of a Red Hat widow that invites me over for a late dinner before I have to make my way back to Bufordville.

I've done 17 luncheon talks over the last several months and word must have gotten all the way to California Wine Country. I'll be boarding a private jet sent by a Red Hat widow who apparently made her millions in the Toilet Puck industry. (It all pays the same to Buford). I may have to up my usual fee of $15.00 but we're negotiating that right now.

You can find my book on Amazon or wherever you buy your Red Hat books. I'll keep you updated as we firm up the dates. Perhaps I will be able to hit a couple of groups while I'm visiting my old stomping grounds of South Cal.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Buford Pickleberry available again for your celebrity endorsement needs.

Well friends, Due to a perfect storm of events colliding all at one time over Bufordville, yours truly is being forced to re-enter the employment market. I've had hundreds and lost hundreds and now, due to a very mis-timed entry into the pygmy goat-milk futures market, well, Ol Buford is now living about 3 blocks off of easy street.

I called up my agent and said "Lester, this is Buford M. Pickleberry, I need you to get the word out that Buford Pickleberry is once again available for Public Appearances and Celebrity Endorsements" Of course the Pickleberry name is one I need to protect so obviously I am unable to add my hand to just any product but I am certainly open and willing to looking at whatever products and opportunities come my way.

There have been several very interesting opportunities coming my way. As you can imagine, companies have long been aligning themselves with the Pickleberry mystique and my ability to get my followers to open up their wallets and part with the greenbacks.

Many years ago, my friend Paul Harvey and I were visiting. Paul had a wonderful relationship with the fine folks at Buick for years and I was having a bit of trouble with my then endorsement of the Massey Ferguson rotary garden tiller. They didn't feel that a then 72 year old man with bad knees battling a 238 pound garden tiller around piles of dirt was an enhancement to their image so we parted ways. Paul said "Buford, you need to find yourself an Automobile to promote" I found that industry to be a litle stand-offish but I was able to land an afternoon gig at Ernies Buy Here, Pay Here Auto Center. That was quite lucrative paying $39.00 and a half-eaten box of Krispy-Kremes.

I also reminded my agent Lester that at one point Johnny Carson and I were vying for the same clothing gig. While eventually many fine stores did carry the Johnny Carson Collection of fine suits, the Dollar General stores had made tens of hundreds of dollars off of the Buford Pickleberry Collection of Dickies and my innovative but underappreciated 7 button vests.

That brings me to today. Lester has the fax machine running (reminds me Wendell if you're reading this, I've told you for the last time, get that old ink cartridge out of the sink) Today, I've got a few interesting offers of endorsements to go through. As I eat my bread-bowl full of bacon wrapped cocktail weiners and hollandaise sauce I will go through each of these.

The first is a very intersting proposition from the fine folks at Popeye's Chicken. It seems they are interested in cashing in on the Pickleberry Cache. The offer appears to include me donning a chicken type of outfit standing on a busy intersection and holding a sign promoting this fine establishment. Appears we are negotiating at this time in the 7 dollars per hour range and Lester has countered with a free lunch and a serving of beans to take home at the end of the endorsement period. - Interesting

The second one appears that the good folks at my old friends Sam Walton's store have come a calling. Sam at one point told me, Buford, I just don't think I can sell any more boxes of cereal and soap, I'm thinking about closing down the store and joining up the Basillicians and riding with you. I said "Sam, you've only got the one store you're running. Why don't you build a couple of more and get the kids involved. Let them run the damn thing and you can drive around in your old truck all day. Well, I guess Sam took my advice and things have been pretty good for him since then. He's always taken care of ol' Buford by offering me a special $4 for my drug prescriptions. Good friend and I miss him. Today, the fine folks have offered Buford a key position as the official "Face of the Store". Appears they would like to have Buford as the first face customers see when they enter. Interesting. I would be offering advice on product and aisle location strategy to the fine customers as well as advising them on hot pretzel specials. Thanks Sam old boy! I'll put that one on the top of the consideration pile.

The third and most interesting offer today came in rolling in around 11:00 and as I had fully expected, Hollywood has come calling to Buford Pickleberry. It appears that the movie business is also going through some tough times and they too have turned to the Pickleberry moniker to see about boosting lagging sales. The fine folks at Happy's Video Arcade on sixth and MLK drive have presented an offer of "Video Specialist Team Member" It appears that I'll be working hand in hand with the large studios and promoting their fine blockbusters to potential patrons. MGM, Disney and many others have aligned to put together an interesting offer to Buford. We're stuck at the negotiating table right now. They are at $7.25 for every hour of my time. I'm in need of a bit more plus the right to the leftover popcorn at the end of the day. We'll see where that one goes.

So, I've got several very high profile celebrity endorsement opportunities to be looking over. I've got to get Lester a list of those that I'm most interested in. It seems as if a lot of these companies are needing to have the Pickleberry name applied as soon as possible. It appears that the Hollywood Happy's Video Arcade could in fact begin this afternoon due to the fact that Steven Smith attends the University of Northern Illinois and his own endorsement deal coincided with his spring break ending. This has left Happy's with a celebrity void. I may have to consider that one soon.

I'm still looking at several others offers on the table. Major League Baseball has come calling! It seems the Wichita Warthogs AAA farm team needs a face added to increase the popcorn sales at home games. Ernies Buy Here, Pay Here has thrown an interesting Saturday Afternoon offer on the table as well. Lots of things to consider. One note, Lester if you are reading this, I will not, again, WILL NOT endorse the Watson's Lingerie Man Bra. I may need to do a couple of pushups thats a given but I do draw the line at nudity. Tasteful, such as speedo swimsuit I may consider.

That's all I got for now, leave me alone I've got to finish up these bacon wrapped cocktail wieners and re-heat these BBQ meat balls from last night. I left them out in Wendells car overnight but they should be OK - Buford.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Maury says "Buford Pickleberry you ARE NOT the father of the Octuplets"!

Well it's been a pretty good week for ol' Buford. Today's mail brought a HUGE sigh of relief. When I started hearing about all of this Octomom stuff and the Octuplets well, let's say I did have some cause for concern.

Let me catch you up. Back in the late 50's ol' Buford was riding with the Basillicians out of Dyersville, IA. Tough Hell-Raising group made up of about 40 to 80 members (depending on the time of year several were farmers and had milking and harvesting to do) In order to make ends meet and buy parts for my panhead, me and a couple of the boys would deliver a weekly package from our "friends in Chicago" to our "friends in Los Angeles". As it turns out often those deliveries were met with anxious nervous dudes taking advantage of their right to bear arms and they would often relieve us of the packages without the proper compensation. Keep in mind we would not see those same fellas on the next trip so we assumed our friends in Chicago convinced our friends in Los Angeles to eliminate those positions.

But, in those times we would find ourselves without money for the ride back to Dyersville. Now, Sprocket and Axle would often do whatever necessary to find gas money perhaps a friendly liquor store had extra cash they were not in need of and would make a donation. Or perhaps a group of fellow but non-friendly riders would have a stash of cash in their clubhouse and Sprocket would allow ourselves access to that. However, I tried as hard as I could to live up to my moniker the "Altar-Boy" and would try to find my cash as honest as possible.

This one particular weekend we found ourselves in a little rougher area of South Los Angeles with a little gas and little cash. There was a sign in big painted pink letters on a little shop screaming out. Donate here! Get Paid! I wheel my Harley straight up to the front door, dismount and yell out. "Buford Pickleberry has arrived to donate".

Turns out this donation was something brand new at the time, the first in the nation sperm bank. Well to not go into too much detail, lets just say Buford left a half hour later a few ounces lighter and eleven dollars 63 cents richer! That good bank had some award-winning Buford to share with those who were unable to share on their own. It was a win win win situation.

Flash forward to 2009 and I'm watching the TV when this Octomom comes on the tube and these reporter types are harrassing her about who the father is and her need to disclose. Well, let's just say I had a few sleepless hours there for awhile.

It occurred to me that perhaps Ms. Octomom may have gone into Buford's former trading post, got to looking through the menu, reading all the temptations and may just have picked herself out a serving of one Mr. Buford M. Pickleberry Vintage 1958.

I thought "Oh Boy, Buford may have to go back to work full time if that turns out to be true". So, I get Wendell on the internet and on the telephone and we start to do some research. We located that particular bank and much to Ol' Buford's relief it turns out that particular location housing Prime Pickleberry had been burned down in 1992 during the Rodney King Riots.

While this caused me much relief knowing that there are not 14 little Pickleberrys running around Los Angeles, it did sadden me that the Pickleberry line may be running out of racetrack. I guess I'll have to step up my search for the trophy wife. Housewives of Butler County, you're officially back on notice! Buford is feeling the need to leave a legacy. (keep in mind it may be just my gall bladder acting up however).

That's all I got for now. Leave me alone, I got a lot of stuff to do around here today. - Buford.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Note to Wendell

Wendell - When you come over today bring that 11/16th Hex socket wrench and those jumper cables. I'm working on Margaret Hulminders Food Processor and I've got a stubborn little screw that won't pop loose. Bring those Chicken McNuggets from last night (only if you put them in your frig and didn't just leave them in your car) Buford.

Providing Inspiration to All

So a letter comes in the mail this morning. It was looking pretty official so I decided I better open it even before eating last nights leftover boiled cabbage and pig ear which we fried in peanut oil and served over baked tomato paste.

This letter came from the President and it stated. "Mr. Buford M. Pickleberry your service to the country is needed and most critical if we are to continue on as the free country that we are today". Well to say this intrigued me was an understatement. I continued reading (after I watched that funny son of a gun Maury Povich for a 1/2 hour) The letter went on to say. Mr. Pickleberry, as part of the Presidents Inspire America Act, we are asking 15 of the most influential Americans of all time to donate 3 hours of your day every day for the next 6 months toward inspiring America!

Now, I thought Ol' Buford inspired Dan and Wendell every single day when they come to help me out a few hours and along with my monthly motivational speeches at the Appanoose County Red Hat group's Wednesday luncheon series, well that should be enough. Then I thought, you know Mr. President, you are correct, Ol' Buford does have some more inspiration left in him. Sometimes I think it's gas but then sometimes it is inspiration.

I continued readng. Mr. Pickleberry, you've been included in a select group of Americans that have brought joy to thousands, inspired millions with your success stories and provided the basis of a life that others can use to springboard their otherwise mundane day to day existense into a life of ultra-achievement and rewards.

Wow! Mr. President can really lay it on Ol' Buford. Well... What is next.

The letter went on to say. We're not asking you to develop any speech, you won't need to deliver any presentations. We simply want to put you up on a pedestal in pre-determined locations around the nation for others to see you up close and in person. (of course red velvet ropes will be utilized to keep a safe and reasonable distance) we'll fly you every day to a location, you'll be lifted onto a pedestal where you will stand and look inspirational for 3 hours. It is our dream that the mere vision of you will inspire those looking to go out, reinvent themselves in your image, take on new challenges and become the type of American that you are Mr. Pickleberry.

So, I thought to myself. What do I need to do to contribute toward inspring Americans? The letter went on. Beginning April 11th you'll be joining an elite group of 15 Americans who have expressed a willingness to inspire others by being showcased to the masses of workers who otherwise may have a very boring day.

Mr. Pickleberry. We'll begin your tour on Wall Street, you'll stand on Madison and 11th on a 15 foot pedestal and merely look grandeur for the passerby between 6 a.m. and 9 a.m. From there we'll fly you to Mt. Rushmore where you'll stand between heavy traffic times of 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. for the hundreds of people to witness a "Live Inspiration" instead of mere rock.

Your tour will continue on across the country at locations in Denver, Los Angeles MOMA and Branson Missouri as well as others.

We'll end the month long event of Live American Inpsirations tour with a culmination event of a 24 hour live viewing of all 15 Inspirational Americans in Washington DC on May 24th. The live viewing will be broadcast in its entirety on CNN and other networks.
We'll allow you some sleep as you prepare for the 24 hours inspiration marathon and of course a couple of bathroom breaks.

The letter ended with Thank you for being one of our 15 inspirational Americans Mr. Buford M. Pickleberry. Your lifelong dedication to perfections and inpsiring others has not gone unnoticed, we look forward to your participation in the Presidents plan to inspire the world. You'll be joining 14 other great Americans as Live Human statues including Cher.

So...Ol Bufords been called back to service. I guess I can do this for the country. I do have some concern about security and the Chicago date. There's a few boys from the old days that would love to have a free crack at Buford and standing on a pedestal as a live statue inspiring others by my mere presence provides that opportunity for them. I'll have to deal with that and the Cubs on that day.

So, watch for me coming to a city near you. I look forward to inspiring you by my presence. Feel free to take pictures, apparently we're not allowed to provide life answers on an individual basis but I'll be happy to address your questions in a broad sense. See you, (more appropriately, you'll be seeing me very soon) - Buford

Now, leave me alone, I've got a lot to do today.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

If I had a Nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank

So, I got home from water aerobics at the Golds Gym. Let me quickly give you a Pickleberry Power tip. 1/2 pound of blood sausage, a head cheese 6 egg omelette and a slice of ground cherry pie for breakfast works better AFTER the workout. About 1/2 hour in and it became rather unpleasant for myself and the 7-8 gray hairs in their one-piece swimsuits and arm-floats. (additional apology to Helen Maxheimer won't stand so close next time)

So, got home and here I had a wonderful letter in the mailbox. I have been summoned to the 195th District Court of Powatmieniene County South Dakota to hear the final rulings of the Supreme Court case of "Pickleberry vs the people of the United States and World".

Allow me to catch you up. Back in 1972 I was driving through Chicago and my good friend John "Records" Landecker on WLS Radio was going on about pets or something as he always did. He was talking to someone on the air over the phone and John says "If I had a nickle for every time I heard that" I about pulled my car straight into the path of a trolley car as I was reaching for the volume knob. I yelled straight into the steering wheel "That is MY Saying" "I invented the phrase If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank"

I called up Mr. Landecker and said "Records, this is Buford M. Pickleberry. I just heard you use my saying "If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank and I am strongly urging you to please refrain from using that". He replied, "Buford, it's a free country dude, the airwaves are free, love is free and some other hippee crap.

The very next morning I drove straight to the Patent and Copywrite office at 22nd and Wabash and filled out the form, slapped down the $14.00, the clerk notorized the document and Viola!!! Buford M. Pickleberry is the proud owner of the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank"

So, I then set a royalty rate of (obviously) a nickle for every time someone said my phrase "If I had a nickle blank blank blank" (with a little foresight I should have also copyrighted dime, quarter and dollar but times were tough. I'm not sure who owns those copyrights but I am the nickle guy. (there was a time around 1994 that it was thought my phrase may have been owned and included in the deal between Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney but that was soon proven to be wrong.)

Flash forward to 1981. I'm laying in bed watching my friend Johnny Carson on the TV and Johnny says to Jack Fowler. Johnny said "Jack, If I had a nickle for every time on of those monkeys" I bolted straight outta my bed and reached for the phone before Johnny had even finished his line. Well it turns out Johnny would not take my call.

Flash forward to 1982. In 1982 I'm deeply embroiled in several lawsuits trying to defend my ownership of the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time blank blank blank" I've got a group of attorney's working 24 hours a day and a court says nope, it is in the public vernacular, another court nope, another court nope, another court nope, well that was 26 years ago and here we are today, the 195th District Court of Powatmieniene County South Dakota is going to make the final ruling. My lawyers say it looks good for ol' Buford!

I've spent somewhere around $200,000 for attorneys through the years. I'll be setting up an "Honor System" website through the good folks at Paypal. Once the ruling becomes official on Friday. I'm going to trust in the good faith of human nature. I'll leave it up to you pay a nickle for each time you've ever used the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time blank blank blank" Please get out your calenders and day planner to refresh your memory.

I'll probably spend some time perusing books at the library to see which authors have sold millions of dollars worth of books thanks to the phrase Buford owns.

Several years ago I was a guest on the Dick Cavett show. I was doing the talk show circuit promoting my latest book at the time "The Pickleberry Method toward programming your Microwave oven" It was a timely book, sold about 3 million copies and stayed on the NY Times bestseller list for 18 weeks. It was a fairly eclectic show that night artist Salvador Dalí was on the show with silent screen star Lillian Gish and baseball legend Satchel Paige. I was up after Dali who was being very odd that night with his ant-eater friend. Mr. Cavett says. "Buford, If I had a nickle for every time one of our guests has asked about a microwave book" Now, I don't know if Mr. Cavett was aware that I held the copyright to that phrase but it sure made me look him in the eye.

About six months later, I open up the mail, there is 17 cents taped onto a postcard from one Mr. Dick Cavett. (The Most Honest Man in Hollywood) The note simply said "Buford Pickleberry Royalty for saying phrase "If I had a nickle blank blank blank" 4 times. (He rounded down should have been 20 cents.)

So, keep a watching my website here, based on my ruling this Friday, if the good court in South Dakota goes my way, Ol Buford will soon be on easy street. I'll be setting up the link and looking forward to your honesty and nickles coming my way.

Now leave me alone, I've got a lot to do today.

Friday, March 13, 2009

FInally, winter seems to be coming to an end

Good Morning. I'm writing this morning on Wendell's laptop computer which seems to be a bit touchy. We're

Those who know me, understand that Buford likes to keep busy, I do a lot of public speaking to small groups mostly around the midwest. I like to keep my fingers, eyes and brain nimble working on small appliances, mostly for friends and relatives. As we get ready for a full summer ahead, I was going over my yellow pad and decided to put onto my website here what I got accomplished this winter.

I hope it inspires some folks at what can be done when you decide to shut the TV off, and get off yer behind.

1. I am very proud that I finally shattered my record of being able to hold my breath for 9 minutes nd 13 seconds adn increased it to 11 minutes and 11 seconds.

2. I volunteered for several days at a day camp for bladderless migrant workers

3. Three weeks I made myself available for product endorsements in Samarjia where I am extremely well known.

4. I formed a small 17 piece marching band and put on free concerts for the elderly in stadiums across the country in December.

5. I was able to handily defeat Pete Sampras in Golf, Greg Norman in Checkers and Mindov Kastletniz in leg wrestling.

6. I was voted "Rookie of the Year" and had the title ceremoniously stripped of me for having too much experience.

7 I cracked that Davinci Code a year too late.

8. I took full credit for coining the phrase "Bird Flu".

9 I mastered Time Travel, but got a little too far behind and Wendell had to come and get me.

10. I bought a hovercraft event though I spend most of my time indoors.

11. I ate Green Beans even though I deplore the color.

12. I walked a fine line between Freeze Drying and Freezer Burning.

13. I learned the delicate art of Buffalo management.

14. I studied with Kenichiro Nishi yet had my play widely panned.

15. At one point in January I gave some very heavy consideration.

16. I wrote and performed a one man show playing the person who had to move Katie Couric's Desk.

17. I earned the trust of a reeses monkey only to have him use the information against me.

18. I spent several minutes in a deep depression that I couldn't coin a name better than Google

19. Several hours every Tuesday was spent calling Wendell and Dan by their middle names.

20. I scientifically engineered a new fruit varietal that actually does taste like chicken.

21. I formed a macrame consortium and immediately disbanded it when they refused to refer the themselves as my entourage.

22. I March I went 3 days without drinking one ounce of fluids yet curiously spent several minutes each hour in the restroom?

23. I had an online relationship with someone that didn't even own a computer.

24. I perfected my walk.

25. I finally taught a man to fish so he would leave me alone.

26. I argued for a seatmate on a plane that a colostomy bag was not bringing liquids onto the plane.

27. I spent every day the entire winter answering my phone with the expression "Brad Pitt's Phone" please hold.

28. I attended several Symphony events, demanded to be sat in the front row, where I would scream "Play Freebird" at the musicians all night.

29. I tossed one back and it came back to bite me.

30. I found an absolute perfect moment to lollygag and decided not to.

31. I developed a line of cookwear for overpriveleged children.

32. I was actually able to keep a long story short.

33. I turned down a role that I have yet to regret.

34. I called with uncanny accuracy the final scores of sevearl Pac 10 wrestling tournaments.

35. In December I medically confirmed that I would never be a mother even though this was something I always knew in my heart.

36. I waited almost 35 years to trounce, I found it to be exhilarating yet exhausting.

37. I sat next to group that actually was eating, drinking and being merry.

38. I very much enjoyed Kiwi on the very first try even though I was told it was an acquired taste.

39. I teamed up with Paul McCartney to record a new album and we decided to never release it.

40. I discovered I have an uncanny ability to balance on my left foot. It is being studied by a team of doctors.

41. I experienced expoential growth that really didn't hurt that much.

42. I studied with the Dali Lama, several guru's, and the guy fixing my patio cement. I finally learned that the secret, the one true meaning of "It ALL" is found in the expression. Well my memory slips me right now, I'll have to get back to you on that one. It's good though if I remember right.

Pretty good winter, what did you get done?

Thats all I got for today, leave me alone, let me know you got this.