Wednesday, March 18, 2009

If I had a Nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank

So, I got home from water aerobics at the Golds Gym. Let me quickly give you a Pickleberry Power tip. 1/2 pound of blood sausage, a head cheese 6 egg omelette and a slice of ground cherry pie for breakfast works better AFTER the workout. About 1/2 hour in and it became rather unpleasant for myself and the 7-8 gray hairs in their one-piece swimsuits and arm-floats. (additional apology to Helen Maxheimer won't stand so close next time)

So, got home and here I had a wonderful letter in the mailbox. I have been summoned to the 195th District Court of Powatmieniene County South Dakota to hear the final rulings of the Supreme Court case of "Pickleberry vs the people of the United States and World".

Allow me to catch you up. Back in 1972 I was driving through Chicago and my good friend John "Records" Landecker on WLS Radio was going on about pets or something as he always did. He was talking to someone on the air over the phone and John says "If I had a nickle for every time I heard that" I about pulled my car straight into the path of a trolley car as I was reaching for the volume knob. I yelled straight into the steering wheel "That is MY Saying" "I invented the phrase If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank"

I called up Mr. Landecker and said "Records, this is Buford M. Pickleberry. I just heard you use my saying "If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank and I am strongly urging you to please refrain from using that". He replied, "Buford, it's a free country dude, the airwaves are free, love is free and some other hippee crap.

The very next morning I drove straight to the Patent and Copywrite office at 22nd and Wabash and filled out the form, slapped down the $14.00, the clerk notorized the document and Viola!!! Buford M. Pickleberry is the proud owner of the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time Blank Blank Blank"

So, I then set a royalty rate of (obviously) a nickle for every time someone said my phrase "If I had a nickle blank blank blank" (with a little foresight I should have also copyrighted dime, quarter and dollar but times were tough. I'm not sure who owns those copyrights but I am the nickle guy. (there was a time around 1994 that it was thought my phrase may have been owned and included in the deal between Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney but that was soon proven to be wrong.)

Flash forward to 1981. I'm laying in bed watching my friend Johnny Carson on the TV and Johnny says to Jack Fowler. Johnny said "Jack, If I had a nickle for every time on of those monkeys" I bolted straight outta my bed and reached for the phone before Johnny had even finished his line. Well it turns out Johnny would not take my call.

Flash forward to 1982. In 1982 I'm deeply embroiled in several lawsuits trying to defend my ownership of the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time blank blank blank" I've got a group of attorney's working 24 hours a day and a court says nope, it is in the public vernacular, another court nope, another court nope, another court nope, well that was 26 years ago and here we are today, the 195th District Court of Powatmieniene County South Dakota is going to make the final ruling. My lawyers say it looks good for ol' Buford!

I've spent somewhere around $200,000 for attorneys through the years. I'll be setting up an "Honor System" website through the good folks at Paypal. Once the ruling becomes official on Friday. I'm going to trust in the good faith of human nature. I'll leave it up to you pay a nickle for each time you've ever used the phrase "If I had a nickle for every time blank blank blank" Please get out your calenders and day planner to refresh your memory.

I'll probably spend some time perusing books at the library to see which authors have sold millions of dollars worth of books thanks to the phrase Buford owns.

Several years ago I was a guest on the Dick Cavett show. I was doing the talk show circuit promoting my latest book at the time "The Pickleberry Method toward programming your Microwave oven" It was a timely book, sold about 3 million copies and stayed on the NY Times bestseller list for 18 weeks. It was a fairly eclectic show that night artist Salvador DalĂ­ was on the show with silent screen star Lillian Gish and baseball legend Satchel Paige. I was up after Dali who was being very odd that night with his ant-eater friend. Mr. Cavett says. "Buford, If I had a nickle for every time one of our guests has asked about a microwave book" Now, I don't know if Mr. Cavett was aware that I held the copyright to that phrase but it sure made me look him in the eye.

About six months later, I open up the mail, there is 17 cents taped onto a postcard from one Mr. Dick Cavett. (The Most Honest Man in Hollywood) The note simply said "Buford Pickleberry Royalty for saying phrase "If I had a nickle blank blank blank" 4 times. (He rounded down should have been 20 cents.)

So, keep a watching my website here, based on my ruling this Friday, if the good court in South Dakota goes my way, Ol Buford will soon be on easy street. I'll be setting up the link and looking forward to your honesty and nickles coming my way.

Now leave me alone, I've got a lot to do today.


  1. Buford,God bless ya, I hope you win the case, it's gone on for so long, and thinkin' you had to take it all the way to the unpopulated and unknown
    195th District Court of Powatmieniene County in South Dakota only goes to prove your tenasity in proving the unprovable. Of course it don't hurt to take it a high court in an unheard of county, who is most likely using your good name to profit with what they hopefully concider as a tourist attrection..."Buford's Last Stand".

  2. This is a very good story. All people should do this and then no one will be able to say anything without forking up lol

    Is your patent universal?
    From 1972 it seems your patent is around 37 years old. Doesn't it expire after 17????

    To be sure I will never use this quote again. lol

    Good luck