Friday, March 6, 2009

Salve Applicator Specialist Needed Immediately

So early this morning Wendell comes by to check on me and get my breakfast ready. Today being Friday is my topical application day. This is the one day that just about every ointment and medicinal salve that has been prescribed to preserve Buford is applied.

So I like to start with the couple of huge old Plantar warts that I got on the heel of my left foot. When Wendell came in today, I had my foot bared, propped up on a pillow and said "Wendell, start a rubbing". Well he squirted a bunch outta the tube, slathered it on with absolutely no care whatsover and walked into the kitchen. Well to say that this left me a little perturbed is an understatement. Now, I realize that being 80 years old, I may have a few more ointments that need applicated than most, but I don't think I'm asking anyone to go above and beyond the normal job of what everyone else in America does!

Well, Wendell is a helluva cook, can clean my house to withstand a Martha Stewart white glove treatment and he still lets me have a couple of shots of whiskey every night so I'll keep him around but as of right now he is OFFFFFFF my ointment application. Hear Me Dude?

So, here is a basic rundown, I need someone to come by anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes every day. The day will vary depending on the prescriptions. I like to have my salves and ointments applied early in the day so they have the whole day to work and do their jobs. I don't want greasy bedsheets caused by some dim-wit that doesn't understand the proper way to massage in an ointment.

Your job description is this. Let's get the ugly ones out of the way first. These are the ones that are generally unpleasant for both of us. I've got a bit of an extra skin fold under my right armpit. Been there since I lost a buncha weight a few years back. This one needs daily moisturize and massaged about 8 minutes. I've got the aforementioned Plantar that needs to be rubbed with an emory board and then the wart acid applied, re-emory board after 15 minutes and then reapplied.

I seem to have a bit of a moisture problem in the overall groinage area. This has caused an odd looking fungi to sprout on occassion. I've got a very soothing cream that will need to be applied and rubbed in quite deeply. Several years ago, I had an accident that I severely gouged my inner right thigh. It has taken a long time for that scar to heal properly due to my age. I've got a balm that needs to be applied daily. From there we flip over and you will notice I've got several large protuding hemoroids that are clinging on for dear life. Your job will be to apply one of two ointments (both prescription) to these bad boys. Wendell was making good headway on these but again, has chosen to go in a different direction. I flip back over onto my back and we work on a belly button dryness issue. I've got a peculiarly large and deep belly button. It tends to accumulate a lot of lint causing a severe dryness. This requires you to carefully tweeze out all of the lint, clean the button with a cotton swab, apply a moisturize to your pinky finger and insert about 3 inches into my belly button. Massage this very carefully to avoid irritation (both belly and Buford)

Those are the unpleasant ointments. From there we lighten up the application process. I still am holding onto hope and clinging on to a few remaining hair buds! We do a 12 minute massage of the minoxodil into the Buford scalp and let that soak in, then reapply for good measure. A few years ago, I had a few sun spots removed offa my nose so you'll need to apply a good spf 25 suncreen to that area. I also seem to have a peculiar growth just under my left buttock. That I've been to the clinic several times, they keep on trying new things. Currently there is a very thick browish oil that we're applying. Be aware this will leave your hands quite brown for several days after each application, even through gloves.

Finally we let these ointments dry for 10 to 15 minutes and enjoy a cup of coffee together. Then, we do an entire body moisturizer rub down. Simply start at the top and apply liberal dosages of moisturizer and rub deeply to every inch of my body. And that is it. Do you see a HUGE DEAL in this? No, me either. Simple.

So, I'm sorry to say Wendell you are off the job and your pay will be adjusted accordingly. I hope you can survive without that extra $5 per hour every day. You my friend are no longer my Salve Applicator. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but your dis-interest in my Plantars this morning proved to me that you no longer take pride in your ointment applicating the way you once did. You can continue to cook and clean but I'll be taking applications for a new Ointment Applicator beginning immediately.

I'll need someone to come by this afternoon to begin. My rear end is screaming for some relief and Wendell is off the job as of this notice. Thank you for applying. A small interview and background check will be required and of course you'll be required to sign a privacy agreement that you won't be releasing information to the media or taking photos of Bufords privates to release on TMZ or sell them to any tabloids.

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